tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27352632269916449702024-02-07T16:27:23.441+00:00Shoes & GlitterKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.comBlogger180125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-57324885644978086322021-04-03T03:21:00.005+01:002021-04-03T03:29:13.535+01:00Kinga - Two Years in Grief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqn8ewGjRe4F3XkeFSABH0MUjt3jzhrUkADEb8altKYmaSD_yN7CLVuGeij2akJcXBJf4g_qTKUHyropECqE0TRpY0IinwzQwhxLEuEEvDNjSq1phFdXpXkOFE-37yjfeytXKELIgujHI/s2048/SDC12241.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqn8ewGjRe4F3XkeFSABH0MUjt3jzhrUkADEb8altKYmaSD_yN7CLVuGeij2akJcXBJf4g_qTKUHyropECqE0TRpY0IinwzQwhxLEuEEvDNjSq1phFdXpXkOFE-37yjfeytXKELIgujHI/w640-h480/SDC12241.JPG" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div>Hello everyone.<br /><br />So, it has now been well over two years since Kinga was killed... It is truly difficult to comprehend that it has been so long now. So long since life was 'normal'. So long since I felt her touch. So long since I heard her voice. It has been so long, that I actually hear her accent now, when I listen to recordings of her - as if my ear is not as used to hearing her as often as it once was. Time has become a deeply surreal concept in grief - and whilst there are many physical markers to show the passing of those 843 days since she was killed - it still feels (somewhat dependent on the day) closer to either two minutes, or twenty years since I last saw her alive - and literally no distance of time in between. Some days, the almost-decade I spent with her feels like something I dreamt about - a far cry from this world that I inhabit without her. </div><div><br /></div><div>That is not to say that things haven't changed in that deeply distorted view of time, of course. As I talked about in my <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2020/11/can-you-heal-grief.html">last post</a>, I believe that bereavement is essentially a lifelong process of adaptation. As much as I often wish life would halt - to the point that it feels downright insulting that her loss isn't enough to literally stop the flow of time - life continues on, unabated. Life doesn't cease to throw up challenges and scenarios that continue to change us - even when we are entirely - perhaps viciously - unwilling to do so. And so today, much as I did after the <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2020/01/kinga-year-with-grief.html">first year</a>, I am now here to reflect upon my second year of adulthood, in which Kinga has not been physically present.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcG33-3DhqrulkP4Bcb5VIQXM-cZ2CykO0oOCIE6QvxSu1S1Xl1Nq9IEGL751fVH3_o3exPxQ4YewC2590IBYNoFhQ6LNKyj8ob4gymz88gI-UwmJY9v8TL8nx5d7MrFQstnkC4-8dWa0/s2048/20170128_135324.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcG33-3DhqrulkP4Bcb5VIQXM-cZ2CykO0oOCIE6QvxSu1S1Xl1Nq9IEGL751fVH3_o3exPxQ4YewC2590IBYNoFhQ6LNKyj8ob4gymz88gI-UwmJY9v8TL8nx5d7MrFQstnkC4-8dWa0/w480-h640/20170128_135324.jpg" width="480" /></a></div><div><br /></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><div>Many people, I think, look to grief writing as a source of hope - of inspiration, perhaps. It is easy to see why - there is a natural comfort to both reading, and to writing that way. But, I can only write what is real to me - and it goes without saying... Grief is hell. I've struggled with writing this post mostly because of my own mental health dipping considerably - really since around the time of my last post. I would love to consistently say that 'it gets better' - or some similar sounding platitude... But I can't really say that - for me, anyway. The good days, and the bad - neither of them have set dates, or adhere to any kind of logic or reasoning - they just happen - although am better equipped to deal with those bad days than I at one time was. I have changed in response to Kinga's death - both positively and negatively - but fundamentally - she is always going to be gone - and the life that was laid out before us is gone with it. I doubt there will ever be a day when I don't actively mourn that.</div><div><br /></div><div>If you are reading this, and are in some variation of my own situation - I feel it is important, before continuing further, to say that my journey is not your journey - and I am not you. My loss is not your loss. It may be very similar - but the way we adapt to that loss is dependent on a whole host of factors - probably the most prevalent simply being who we are as people. This blog is always about Kinga - but she did begin to talk about some of the mental health struggles she had <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2017/10/forced-positivity-in-blogging-why-its.html">here</a> - and I don't like to muddy that with talking about myself - outside of the grief that emanates from the love that we shared, anyway. But, mental health is something I've always struggled with, independently of grief - even when she was alive (I was a wreck before we met - simply put). My personal instincts usually drive me toward introversion and isolation - and I think that is deeply damaging in my situation. I actively fought against this from the start - but it is all too easy to default into what you know well, sometimes.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhItGTLFJCTFAGQCXlvKBEd1QiRf6Lo46buezBFc6iR5sll26c5sMqAnBDf82-KXxl0vgmwwuRfIswSuoS14SJn0fIyAasbyvRDJsSRtnLRF-tKZ9gDleE1-WVXJ70ilGne2CS9p2qb3L8/s1440/20150906_135919.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1440" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhItGTLFJCTFAGQCXlvKBEd1QiRf6Lo46buezBFc6iR5sll26c5sMqAnBDf82-KXxl0vgmwwuRfIswSuoS14SJn0fIyAasbyvRDJsSRtnLRF-tKZ9gDleE1-WVXJ70ilGne2CS9p2qb3L8/w640-h480/20150906_135919.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Year one was, for me, characterised by movement. I was constantly moving, occupying myself - I would not allow myself to sit for too long, as reality was just literally too painful - because felt over. I couldn't stay inside for long periods, without feeling like the walls were closing in. I couldn't sleep in our bed. Sitting still for too long led to inevitable self-destructive behaviour. There was intensity in every action, almost - an innate feeling of instability - perhaps brought on by the sudden nature of Kinga's death. I went through periods of drinking, self-harm - and honestly, worse - pretty much anything to escape reality. I did establish my own, more positive and productive methods of coping after a few months, however. I made a rule, whereby I had to go out every single day; I sought comfort in talking to people, and established a support network. I made friends - especially through <a href="https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/">WAY</a>, and reconnected with some old ones. I kept busy, and sought safety in the moment as much as I could. </div><div><br /></div><div>Year two, by comparison, was characterised by a quiet stillness - the complete opposite of that first year. This began before the pandemic - it really started around the first year mark - where a withdrawal started to set in, somewhat (tied to the date, more than anything I believe - the year mark was hard). The pandemic hastened this change, of course - and I, as with everyone, had to adapt to survive. This time, very few of the coping methods I had pushed myself so hard to establish in year one - against my own inherent, instinctive judgement - were open to me. I couldn't run from my grief - from the indescribable, but ever present feeling of Kinga's absence - I was forced to sit with it. I had fought against isolating myself - but now, isolation was pretty much mandatory. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgam2b05oSI6pT2Ijwe7EMwP-wr-8vQcIhFH4t-vgGr7Eoc29omIvqJuOXGPX4yMMYTij5a6InlK7cRuxdExLMt0EeQNlaGqrfEi-gX8PcIvtCrzN5AT2fyAWgzQtcXWjgAToWjoDJIIc/s2048/SDC10454.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgam2b05oSI6pT2Ijwe7EMwP-wr-8vQcIhFH4t-vgGr7Eoc29omIvqJuOXGPX4yMMYTij5a6InlK7cRuxdExLMt0EeQNlaGqrfEi-gX8PcIvtCrzN5AT2fyAWgzQtcXWjgAToWjoDJIIc/w480-h640/SDC10454.JPG" width="480" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div>One thing that certainly did change in year two, was the absence of shock - or at least, the distinct lessening of it. In the first year, reality seemed so utterly implausible that I could just... Forget she was dead, sometimes - just for a gut wrenching moment. You could be doing something as mundane as shopping, and see something you think she might want - and just for that split second... You can forget that the most devastating, traumatic event of your entire life even happened, and then immediately relive it. That happened much less in year two - as the initial fog lifted, and revealed the full, devastating scale left behind by her loss. The feeling was less intense, and became more of a bleakness. I think intense grief gave way to a more passive depression, if I were to describe it - but it is difficult to distinguish how much of that is purely grief related, and how much is related to the global pandemic. </div><div><br />I am at that point in time where I want to try and plan for the future, now - especially as the feeling of limbo created by court situation is starting to reach it's climax. As I have talked about before, my actions, and my voice - they are a big part of her legacy - and I try to use them to do her justice, and make her proud. I feel like any measure of success I have, is a testament to her impact on my life - to her as a person. But... It is hard. It is so hard. There are days, when a future without her feels completely incompatible with my own continued existence - and I retreat back into the moment. Some days, I see a future - and others... I can't. Perhaps when the feeling of stasis - created by both by the never-ending court process, and the pandemic - is in the rear view mirror, a more positive future will feel more possible.</div><div><br /></div><div>I often think back to what Kinga and I would be doing now, were she alive - perhaps as some form of escapism, or perhaps self-sabotage. In reality, I've no clue what we'd have been doing. The existence of that reality was denied so long ago now - and one thing losing her has taught me, is that life is wholly unpredictable. But I do imagine that the pandemic would have given us time together - something that, due to our respective jobs, was always in somewhat short supply. A lot of people my age are coming out of lockdown with babies - starting, or adding to their respective families - whilst I am forced to sit in what feels like the ruins of my life. Were she here, I think we might well have been one of those couples - we had planned to have children around about now, had life gone to plan. I know a future can exist - where the ripples of her life continue to echo through those whose lives she touched - but what should have been... It stings.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj440hc-AWN0fe12PvRelO945rI5wQ3Rh2co0p6Fg6R-0bsIN53xbLcJk0YuZ2aEpV-Nz_vU-CQ4qgJL-dEYSQuRxlPxZmUBGzcNHK1NHjyokLyg7QYicQZjXQYP1aUawK2p5mzVROLN7I/s2048/SDC11491.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj440hc-AWN0fe12PvRelO945rI5wQ3Rh2co0p6Fg6R-0bsIN53xbLcJk0YuZ2aEpV-Nz_vU-CQ4qgJL-dEYSQuRxlPxZmUBGzcNHK1NHjyokLyg7QYicQZjXQYP1aUawK2p5mzVROLN7I/w480-h640/SDC11491.JPG" width="480" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>This post may read to some of you as dark and negative - and that is never the intent - I probably say that too much, now think about it. I can only write what is real to me, and be completely honest. Some things have really improved. In the first year... Memories were always painful, or bittersweet - they'd induce intense and emotive outbursts. Now... They make me smile, usually with no repercussion. I recognise *so much more* how lucky I was, to have found Kinga - and to have spent the defining years of my life with her. I am more appreciative of those people I do have - and care ever so little about the more petty problems of day to day life. Add to that that my head works much better now - the effects of 'widow brain' (look it up -it's a thing) have lessened far more. </div><div><br /></div><div>My grief is not a negative. It is simply as real, and as intense as the love I shared with her was. Grief is simply love, by another name - and now, over two years on from losing her... I feel downright privileged to have experienced, and to experience that love - even in her absence. </div><div><br /></div><div>We are all on our own timelines, living at our own pace, seeing through our own lense, and being moulded by our experiences. And as I continue to have new experiences - I find comfort in knowing that she will forever be a defining part of who I am, and who I may become. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRY1uPCtOOONtVSRTkdf5r68FWGVywRdnt9AY7kk1Wi7gq3m0-wbMMkT34uXaKBwnEPFxOuMxhAbp1HxT-PoEsvsI1WtrrCb99FIEEL5JM7ZMC1a5KN9U4e1ymomXIevQgNI_CZcbRw8w/s2048/DSCN0303.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRY1uPCtOOONtVSRTkdf5r68FWGVywRdnt9AY7kk1Wi7gq3m0-wbMMkT34uXaKBwnEPFxOuMxhAbp1HxT-PoEsvsI1WtrrCb99FIEEL5JM7ZMC1a5KN9U4e1ymomXIevQgNI_CZcbRw8w/w640-h480/DSCN0303.JPG" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div>Thank you to all who continue to read here - and continue to remember, think about, and talk about Kinga. There are no words for what that truly means. I am also uncertain if the locals of Wick St Lawrence are even aware of this blog - but I owe them a special thank you as well - for continuing to - alongside Kinga's work colleagues I believe - to maintain Kinga's roadside memorial. Every time I have been down there in this past year (which has been challenging with the constant changing restrictions) it has been kept in pristine condition - by essentially strangers. I often feel like that place represents some of the absolute worst of humanity - but also, with acts like this, some of the best.<br /><br />After the <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2020/01/kinga-year-with-grief.html">first year</a> post, I talked about how the man who killed Kinga could - as anyone who is in his situation could - continue to drive, afterward. I still, even now, cannot talk about this properly, until the conclusion of the trial in June - but I want to reiterate my commitment to attempting to see this law be changed. It feels like an insurmountable wall to climb, in some regard - but it is a discussion that needs to be had. I feel like if most people were aware of this law - they would be outraged, quite frankly.<br /><br />I guess, much like the last two years, it is a marathon - seldom a sprint. Here's to the continuation of Kinga's legacy, through 2021 and beyond.</div><div><br /></div><div>'til the end of time, Cub.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Sakimahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05083891252332085103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-11354592302241554822020-11-17T06:56:00.005+00:002020-11-17T06:56:54.719+00:00Can you 'Heal' Grief?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhABmoIwcvIX__nMnz_6bnm7WgPrB8f1KcpmEzjlM68CVx8mhD69Nba-hYIzuzi35gqqzCNqs3KeyLZyQADTiu7P3MzihE7CcCM-7oJixr90WqVMNoxixIfdWnNKP075GMSGDuXdSEhAjA/s2048/SDC12222.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhABmoIwcvIX__nMnz_6bnm7WgPrB8f1KcpmEzjlM68CVx8mhD69Nba-hYIzuzi35gqqzCNqs3KeyLZyQADTiu7P3MzihE7CcCM-7oJixr90WqVMNoxixIfdWnNKP075GMSGDuXdSEhAjA/w640-h480/SDC12222.JPG" width="640" /></a></div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Hello everyone,<div><br /></div><div>As I recall, it was around six or seven months after Kinga died, that I eventually decided to seek professional help - in the form of counselling. I remember this being the period where my grief was at it's most overwhelming - when the shock of Kinga's sudden death had first begun to peel away. The shock was almost like a protective layer of numbness over my whole body - when it first started to dissipate, it felt like all my nerves had become exposed at once. Everything at that point was just raw, excruciating pain, and it felt as though it would be completely unending - like life was truly over. After all, how could that pain ever become manageable - how could life ever continue, when she was just... so permanently gone?</div><div><br /></div><div>I had a phone assessment, before counselling was due to begin. It was completed by a woman whom I never met, going through some semblance of a fairly bog-standard sounding script. It was, I guess, quite typical in that sense - but one thing she said really stuck with me. She said, in the most matter-of-fact way, that it would take two years to 'heal' and 'recover' following such a significant bereavement. It is now 23 months since Kinga was killed, so by that barometer, I should be close to healed by now. I recall hating that thought from the moment I heard it - the thought that I could ever return to any form of normality without Kinga seemed... wrong - like doing so would completely erase her from my life, and ultimately negate the weight of her death. But, people are able to live again after experiencing grief - a thought that was to me, at that time, deeply confusing, and utterly incomprehensible. Today, after almost two years into this journey, I want to explore what I think it truly means to realistically 'heal' after your world has been completely shattered by loss and grief.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicu-50Vqj1UOjro3mJQxLxj1eoH0VrY8wpoWmbF4zb9LOhlOQC5XXh9z34BYIyf2mU_WGYpDoQpAzXAWc5uAQdGPCeLubiaU3aKV9wCpGi_fJKxBCQfdA3fycyRvA8ZhN-PrnCuWkHcnA/s2048/DSCN0405.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicu-50Vqj1UOjro3mJQxLxj1eoH0VrY8wpoWmbF4zb9LOhlOQC5XXh9z34BYIyf2mU_WGYpDoQpAzXAWc5uAQdGPCeLubiaU3aKV9wCpGi_fJKxBCQfdA3fycyRvA8ZhN-PrnCuWkHcnA/w640-h480/DSCN0405.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'll literally never understand how someone so ridiculously beautiful - inside and out - wound up with me.</td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div>We are, in my opinion, a society of fixers. We see a perceived negative, and in general, we are instinctively compelled to want to make it right - make it better somehow. I believe that societal drive toward fixing carries on over to a general attitude toward grief, too - that push to 'move on', to thrive and succeed, or at the very least return to a previous level of productivity and capability. No well adjusted person enjoys seeing people struggling, or in pain, after all. I can recall finding that frustration, even within myself at times - wishing that my own ability to focus and function hadn't suffered so much as a result of Kinga's death. The effects of bereavement - much like the loss itself - are not a thing anybody chooses. It is natural for everyone - whether they are grieving, or adjacent to grieving, to want to reach a point whereby they are no longer suffering from it. The concept of 'healing' is a deeply appealing one to anybody who sees pain, or experiences it, I think.</div><div><br /></div><div>But grief isn't something that you can change - that you can treat, or cure. It can look like an illness- it's symptoms are similar (and can of course lead to various ailments), but it is distinctly different. It is a constant, a permanence - a void, brought about by the absence of someone deeply loved. It is a void that remains, regardless of anything you do in life. These days though, I don't tend to view my grief itself as a negative, even though it has crippled me in innumerable ways. My grief is a natural response to Kinga's horrendous death. I feel it because I love her beyond what any words can say. To me, that grief simply is that same love by another name. The love that will never diminish - and as a direct result, neither will the grief. It is easy to look at grief in a vacuum - that the pain of it exists in and off itself - but remembering the place it comes from... That overwhelming place of warmth, and joy... To me at least, that is a comfort. I've simply come to believe that grief and love are two sides of the same coin - and I will carry them both forever.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyFrMGvPwoiz-vG64FJKJ4u_JL1JKg22JibvPilpGfCD_u8q8atoryWqPt0KZ-oxL5PHJW5bUH6cOCalXnL8bEPLN0V9YHWOJiBS9xfTjbWX2-p-H4k59WuID_KRqzJSfeNECPFuFfstI/s2048/SDC11716.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyFrMGvPwoiz-vG64FJKJ4u_JL1JKg22JibvPilpGfCD_u8q8atoryWqPt0KZ-oxL5PHJW5bUH6cOCalXnL8bEPLN0V9YHWOJiBS9xfTjbWX2-p-H4k59WuID_KRqzJSfeNECPFuFfstI/w640-h480/SDC11716.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We were totally too cool for school once - think this was our third anniversary!</td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><br /></div><div>To me, both grief and love are like an irreversible chemical reaction - and the effects of both are lifelong. Both are at the core of who I am - because Kinga shaped my life - I can't even begin to imagine who I would be without her - and I honestly dread to even think. When someone so essential to your being dies - the impact of their life and death does not go away. It doesn't go away when they aren't mentioned in every conversation. It doesn't go away, even if you are able to find love again. It won't go away 10, 20 years after the fact, when life is unrecognisable - because that is the impact that person has had on your life. That grief, that love - they exist outside of time - and they defy simple human logic and measurements. </div><div><br /></div><div>I do think though, that time is often falsely - and somewhat dangerously - attributed as the main way that people 'heal' from grief. Indeed, how often do we all hear the phrase 'time heals all wounds'? 'It just takes time'. 'It'll feel better with time'. Much in the way grief on it's own isn't an inherent negative, I don't believe that time is a healer, by itself - and this is, in my opinion, one of the greatest misconceptions about grief. Time can provide opportunities to adapt to grief - to learn to live with it - but it is opportunities, experiences, and the people you meet along the way that allow this to happen. Time can also provide opportunities for wounds to become completely overwhelming, and cripple a person long term. Grief isn't a wound by itself - but it can certainly inflict deep, entrenched trauma - and time alone isn't a magical cure to that. </div><div><br /></div><div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6WjMfsKRwnv6nLraXpdaZnq_qTv2Z2e39RA8LYMhG-uM5cJmRf3-v-gEM2NSDiUrdfd_6UrnkZ3T42z4DuEvTXEpP-kgK_3jTAUoLhg0v6GcYLRzVIs2kd14TvBxXQP_EOzsZeXeQnI4/s2048/SDC11316.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6WjMfsKRwnv6nLraXpdaZnq_qTv2Z2e39RA8LYMhG-uM5cJmRf3-v-gEM2NSDiUrdfd_6UrnkZ3T42z4DuEvTXEpP-kgK_3jTAUoLhg0v6GcYLRzVIs2kd14TvBxXQP_EOzsZeXeQnI4/w640-h480/SDC11316.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, yeah, I know. Too many pictures, right?</td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /><br /></div><div>We are all vastly different people, living on different timescales, experiencing life through very different lenses. Grief is a process of adaptation, I believe - not a process of healing. I think there is some stigma - some societal expectation - that after x period of time, you are not meant to struggle any more - you are not meant to feel your loss any more - and that is something that we really need to dispel. There are no shoulds, and should nots in grief - there is no guide book, and there should be no expectations - we adapt in our own time, and at our own pace. A person struggling with their grief 10 years down the road, is not doing better or worse than someone who is functioning remarkably well at six months. Grief exists outside of time, and logic - it simply is.</div><div><br /></div><div>There is a grave, very close by to Kinga's. In my mind, it perfectly illustrates all of what I have said today- and the story it tells has been endlessly inspiring to me. It is a very well looked after grave of a 93 year old Great Grandmother. On this grave, their are three names - hers, then her first husband - who died 'at sea', during the war judging by the year - in his mid 20s. After that, is her second husband, who died at a similar age to her. She was widowed in her 20s - and went on to live a full life - but never did her loss diminish. She may have moved forward - but even some 70 years after the fact - never did she forget him. </div><div><br /></div><div>If love is to be eternally immortalised, so to is the grief that comes with it. And as much as I still struggle at 23 months... Choosing her pictures for these posts - seeing that smiling face - the person I shared my life with, my soulmate? Yeah. She makes me smile, long before she makes me sad.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS_7p2n3xVQgh-JNN9Am72G2-s8kWLDCOr9RgK3YM8C_z2cj-_WbjUfLxjBIpy5cCkwSQiJpMBaTfwAzplFXkXvIaBlG4t1EU_zwKdBhiJWGExVBVyNy_VHHRaMbHGPgKXM6wHt720RsQ/s2048/IMG_9936.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS_7p2n3xVQgh-JNN9Am72G2-s8kWLDCOr9RgK3YM8C_z2cj-_WbjUfLxjBIpy5cCkwSQiJpMBaTfwAzplFXkXvIaBlG4t1EU_zwKdBhiJWGExVBVyNy_VHHRaMbHGPgKXM6wHt720RsQ/w640-h480/IMG_9936.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I hope they're keeping each other company now.. <3<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>It has been a while since I have written here, once again. I'm not ashamed to admit that, like so many others, I have struggled in recent times - due to court, and due to covid preventing me from visiting my family for what will be at minimum a full year. Perhaps the biggest reason for my downturn though, was the passing of Cinnamon Roll, the hamster I got Kinga for her 26th - and final - birthday. I remember vividly telling her not to get too attached to him, as he would have a short life - never expecting him to outlive her... She literally cried tears of happiness when we got him - she loved him dearly. He went on to become my own constant grief companion, and a bridge between my life with Kinga, and without her. </div><div><br /></div><div>He passed away on 20th September, and I scattered his ashes underneath Kinga's gravestone shortly after. He had a good run - living to two and a half years of age, and passed peacefully in his favourite house - I assume whilst asleep. A part of me believes that he held on as long as he did, because I needed him to. Since his passing, I've actually learned that hamsters have a greater understanding of emotions than I ever knew - given their solitary nature... Perhaps there is something to that. Kinga announced his arrival on this very blog <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2018/08/meet-cinnamon-roll-my-baby-hamster.html">here </a>- if any of you want to revisit her excitement about getting him. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thank you all for reading - and for all of your continued support. This blog - Kinga's blog - has really helped me to make sense of my own grief - and all of your comments, and messages throughout all of the places it is shared in mean the world to me. I hope you all continue to stay safe - truly, none of us are alone in navigating any of this darkness.<br /><br />I think that's enough for today. 'Til the end of time, Cub. That means you too, Cinnami.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /></div>Sakimahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05083891252332085103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-75789184870510417452020-09-08T08:07:00.003+01:002020-09-08T08:07:41.064+01:00A Letter, to my Newly Bereaved Self.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY6V5jAZRzOeeBOtEeZJjRdEzKFjii4XLlYtsAtczBhFs-my_2aidCP0AgMClYTYUGI-_x3Xqtx1sQTUQ-FY8A3e9MWAGyQ6dARr7GDwdnZCDZMKBiuBohZLzv1lcdyrrlELFP45QjHDo/s2048/SDC12124.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY6V5jAZRzOeeBOtEeZJjRdEzKFjii4XLlYtsAtczBhFs-my_2aidCP0AgMClYTYUGI-_x3Xqtx1sQTUQ-FY8A3e9MWAGyQ6dARr7GDwdnZCDZMKBiuBohZLzv1lcdyrrlELFP45QjHDo/w800-h600/SDC12124.JPG" width="800" /></a></div><div><br /></div>
Hello everyone.<br />
<br />
As lockdown tentatively begins to ease, and the world starts to look just a little bit more recognisable... Lucky, are the people who have survived thus far with all of their loved ones intact. Whilst I am fortunate enough to be one of those people - I am, of course, already intimately acquainted with grief. As more and more people start this same horrendous journey - a journey that I have travelled on for almost 21 months now - and a large amount of them as a direct result of the pandemic - I find myself frequently interacting with people who are much more recently bereaved than I am. That is, in and of itself a challenge - grief is a deeply individual experience, and I cannot begin to understand the extra layers of grief and aggravation that the restrictions have created, that newly bereft people have had to contend with this year. Nevertheless... There remains a sense of unity amongst those affected by grief - the roads that brought us here are innumerable - but the end result is still more or less the same - even if we all experience it according to our own unique lense. <div><br /></div><div>Time has continued to move me further and further away from my old life with Kinga. The fog of the first year has largely passed for me - I can now see the full emotional, and physical scale of my loss in such clarity - on an almost objective level. Much of my own memory of that early, raw pain has been left in a great cloud of blurriness - a testament to just how overwhelming Kinga's sudden death was for my brain to process. If my brain were a machine, you could say that it's system were overloaded, and it's circuits fried - and it took a lot of time to even start repairing it. It also blocked a lot of things out, as a protection mechanism. I think, in order to continue to understand and explore my grief, however, it is important to stay in tune with those early days - to attempt to decipher that blur - to sift through the memories of those awful, traumatic, and horrendous days - and to try and make some kind of sense of it. To that end, I have attempted to write today's post. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCMYWMcz_ZLipVuQlmC6diZJEf_J7u5Y4mnq279mK-ag20yPLMfD5nJll3Tpk5K8CB3Xvs5496bP9JRrsxOxfo7n64fN7tn50iFz3Of5Pb_Ir537Ewu03V2lnTt-1Lr5NLSF-4Hhsd7Hs/s2048/IMG_4971.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCMYWMcz_ZLipVuQlmC6diZJEf_J7u5Y4mnq279mK-ag20yPLMfD5nJll3Tpk5K8CB3Xvs5496bP9JRrsxOxfo7n64fN7tn50iFz3Of5Pb_Ir537Ewu03V2lnTt-1Lr5NLSF-4Hhsd7Hs/w800-h600/IMG_4971.jpg" width="800" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mount Teide, Tenerifé, 2018. Our last holiday.</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div><div>Today, I wanted to write to myself - the self that was thrust into this world on the 12th December of 2018 - like a newborn in an adult's body, forced to instantly learn life from scratch. I write this to myself, because I want to explore the ways that I could have been supported back then - and to see if there is anything to be learned from that time - partly to help me to try and stay connected with those newer to grief. Grief is a deeply individual and unique experience, but I share this here in the hope that some of those who are just starting their journey may find something in it - some small rock to anchor onto in the endless fog of grief. It likely speaks to the difficulty of this task, that it has taken me almost two months just to find the words to complete it. Grief doesn't come with a manual, in the end - it is understood best through sharing our stories, and experiences.</div><div><div><div>
<br />
<div>Before I continue, I should preface this. As I have said many times - Grief is very individual, as are the people who experience it. So many people I speak to, I speak to purely because they have experienced it - but may have little else in common with. What I may tell myself, may not be what another person would want to hear - it may even possibly negatively affect them. Frankly, some of what I have written will not directly apply to everyone. I personally despise positivity and negativity - if they aren't based in reality (my reality, at least). So much of what people say to those who are grieving can come off as a platitude - a phrase that sounds great, but is essentially meaningless - said because it is deemed 'the right thing to say'. Some people look for hope, in grief - and it is easy to see why, when the experience is so covered with absolute despair. I am not suggesting positivity and hope don't exist amongst grief... But, for myself, I cannot speak of either, unless I truly and completely believe in it.</div><div><div><br /></div></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNeNCtyze6UCHeNpA_XUP0HsCLXRX80FJlwuRPASjztlqrH_uBnpMIT081xt42Ls97oaSVs3v8IfOANrdM3odKkupUznb7cLWl7BzFZESX09grJq-SZ62IYC3df_b2Q9O0xSKPJEVEv8c/s2048/SDC11508.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="781" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNeNCtyze6UCHeNpA_XUP0HsCLXRX80FJlwuRPASjztlqrH_uBnpMIT081xt42Ls97oaSVs3v8IfOANrdM3odKkupUznb7cLWl7BzFZESX09grJq-SZ62IYC3df_b2Q9O0xSKPJEVEv8c/w586-h781/SDC11508.JPG" width="586" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Mr S. Branch<br />12th December 2018</div><div>(Open me in a few days time - no rush)</div><div><br /></div><i>
Hey man.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>No, this isn't another form to sign, or another person who needs proof that she is gone. This isn't more painful and soul-crushing death admin</i><i>. </i><i>You've done enough of that. They can all wait. They aren't as important as they pretend to be. This is for you. Well, it's for her too - it always will be - but for it to keep being for her, it has to be about you right now. </i></div><div><i>
<br />
Stop. Just stop. You're still here. You're alive. You are. You are going to stay that way - no matter how much you wish it were different. You still matter without her. Yeah, I know. I can feel you rolling your eyes - but it's truer than you can believe right now. I know how badly you want to join her. I ain't gonna tell you not to do it - what's the point? But here I am, 21 months later... We're still here man. We're still here. Not one part of it has been easy, but now? I can smile, sometimes. Laugh, too. We're managing. Surviving - hell, we've survived more than we ever thought was remotely possible. Why do we do it? For a lot of the reasons we used to, actually. So much has changed... But not everything has.<br /></i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>You love her, and she loves you - nothing will ever, ever change that. You will never not care about her. You will never not talk about her - and you will never, ever even begin to remotely forget her. She literally is you now. Realistically... She always has been. People are going to tell you that she is 'always with you', and you're going to hate it. I know. It feels fake, because that is just what people are 'meant to say'. But your relationship with her is an irreversible chemical reaction - we are forever changed - shaped - by her - as she was by us. There is no undoing that - not even slightly. There is so much power in that, and you will learn it in time... But for now, just know that there actually is time. She is always going to matter. I can guarantee that much with absolute certainty- don't doubt it for a single second.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>You don't have to make any big decisions. Not now, not yet. You don't have to throw all of our stuff away, either. Yeah, you are going to have to move out... We really can't avoid that. Always about money, right? But christ. Take it all with you. It doesn't matter. There's time for that. There's space in your flat. You can sort it properly in time. Because there is still time. Don't rush going back to work, either - it isn't expected of you... Even if it was, why should we care? Kinga loved to say that we work to live - not the other way around. Right now, living itself is hard work - we needn't add to that. Not right away. There is still time. <br /></i><i><br />You are severely - and I mean severely - underestimating people. Nothing new there, right? It's not weak to accept help. Not at all. You aren't failing her, if you do. You aren't forgoing your duty to her. People you never dreamed would care genuinely want to help - let them! You'll learn in time the value of those people - and the value of those you have yet to meet. No one is expecting anything of you, except yourself. No one is expecting you to be fine. I know your first instinct is to want to be alone - but for once - just once - try and let people help you - at least with the practical things, if nothing else.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>There is no right or wrong way to do this. You don't have to fight it. You don't have to look, or act a certain way. The only pressure is the pressure you're putting on yourself right now. If you need to cry, cry until there are no tears left. Then cry some more. If you need to shout, or scream, do it. Please, don't use what little energy we have left on fighting yourself. We can't change how we feel - and our feelings, no matter how dark, are completely valid. </i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>
She is as essential to your life now, as she has ever been. She is you now. Her voice is yours now. You don't need to find it right away - like I need you to hear so much right now... There's time for all of that. Her story isn't over yet. It'll last longer, if you keep telling it. We can do so much with all that she has taught us - and all that she has inspired us to be. We've got to be around to do that, though. She needs us to be. Take it one minute at a time. Breathe. Keep going. Push on. That's all that you can do right now - and that is okay.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>It's not okay. It will never be right. It's absolute hell. But this isn't how the story ends - for either of you. You have time to recover. You have time to find the words. You can make her legacy shine even brighter. You have that power. But for now... Grieve. Survive. The world can wait for you. She can wait for you. You're doing fine.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Signed,</i></div></div><div><i>Future You.<br /><br />P.S. The printer doesn't work. That'll save you some stress later.</i></div><div><i>P.P.S No judgement, but a few less needless 'f it' expenses will save us hassle in the long run! </i></div><div><i>P.P.P.S People. Care. I know you won't believe it, so I thought you needed the reminder.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2q1-wj8VVAlsS8xwqFQtL30fgRvVuNY4TQeqcBnJNcGdAZO-xygq_kjTRrbuHZUXo-xGojD2EUeab2BsRYha1g0x3LAIWsc_5ZQ1vbQftMIeDhogncy2XOIKdV9VzRoVn7gXc0APGBMk/w800-h600/IMG_5227.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="800" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kinga took this of me in Tenerifé. It has always felt very fitting, as a visual analogy of grief.<br /></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><br /><br /></div><div>Thank you, as always to those who continue to read here. The last two months have been... Challenging - and I have really struggled to formulate the words that normally come much more easily to me. We had our first court dates for the man who... 'is accused'... of killing Kinga. Needless to say, I legally can't speak to circumstances - but he pleaded not guilty, and we are going to have a full trial some time next year - covid has created a substantial backlog, so it may be some time. It is funny, almost... It is something we have waited so long for, and willed to come sooner - but when it is here... None of us want to live it. Not at all. None of us want to sit in that room, with the person who ended her life and hear... Excuses. There is no good outcome for this situation - the best we can hope for, is that it simply doesn't get worse.<br /><br />It was also Kinga's birthday, on the 13th of August. Her second one, since she passed. She would be 28, now. I don't often share pictures of where she is buried - but I'll make an exception, this one time. As with last year, I spent the full day with her. There was a storm due that morning - but it got delayed until the afternoon... Then again to the evening - leaving it dry all day. I often associate the weather with her - perhaps I will talk about that more, sometime. I find her birthday hard - as with any occasion... But for me, it is a little lighter to continue celebrating it, even after she is gone. We had our mutually favourite wine, vegan birthday cake, and played her favourite songs... Things that we would likely have done, had she lived.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-H8v_bWmVv7KKVL5T1OJyUU29rG1f9w0xk_6i0bGCWgZ_F2mi4qFh2Lq2yNBlEa0U6mZ7B7qCplrxxa4_rWy9KjLVjJa5SOgS_kZnEL2AeDHsr8TWHoKjFl_oPvy8lwv7WRp3H0d4yNs/s960/119059526_3288609681216937_434247808270661172_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="781" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-H8v_bWmVv7KKVL5T1OJyUU29rG1f9w0xk_6i0bGCWgZ_F2mi4qFh2Lq2yNBlEa0U6mZ7B7qCplrxxa4_rWy9KjLVjJa5SOgS_kZnEL2AeDHsr8TWHoKjFl_oPvy8lwv7WRp3H0d4yNs/w586-h781/119059526_3288609681216937_434247808270661172_n.jpg" width="586" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div>I also did do an Instagram 'Tawk' last month (link <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CD9K8_kKSme/">here</a> - regrettably, you will need an Instagram account to watch it), with my good friend, and fellow WAYer Kate Banks Siegler. It is essentially an informal interview. We talked about grief, about Kinga... Just everything, really. There is so much more I could have said in hindsight - but that always seems to be the way of these things. Speaking doesn't come as naturally to me as writing ordinarily does - so I thank anyone who took the time to watch this. I'd highly recommend this series in general - as Kate does give light to a lot of different experiences amongst young, bereaved people.</div><div>. </div></div><div>Thank you all so much for your continuing support - it truly does mean the world. Also, I have to give a special shout out to those who donated to my mum's 50th birthday fundraiser for WAY - I know a few of you are reading. Over £400.00 was raised - which is truly unexpected, and staggering. I know that money will go a long way to helping others in my position to find the support they need.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>'til the end of time, eh Cub? Always.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Sakimahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05083891252332085103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-70154170826184741932020-07-05T23:23:00.001+01:002020-07-05T23:28:51.353+01:00A Legacy of Words - Grief, Writing... And a Massive Thank You. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrzL9vmMxKOapJpScm7stvPEyem-jwlQrEy-GtZJbnRHaTkokIEAydI15gcO4eGAeTuqfXVq-p9g0d4hVmWSZr5-WFNNuoOIgOWXWSsZmx9krrCDBlR8rFrbG0Me006DttW9RZy5wKgOE/s1600/DSCN0620.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrzL9vmMxKOapJpScm7stvPEyem-jwlQrEy-GtZJbnRHaTkokIEAydI15gcO4eGAeTuqfXVq-p9g0d4hVmWSZr5-WFNNuoOIgOWXWSsZmx9krrCDBlR8rFrbG0Me006DttW9RZy5wKgOE/s640/DSCN0620.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br />
Hello everyone,<br />
<br />
So... Shoes and Glitter is now an award winning blog. How about that? Just last week, this blog won the Helen Bailey award, named in honour of the late author, WAY member, and writer of the blog '<a href="http://planetgrief.com/">Planet Grief</a>'. There are no words that will describe just how much it means to me - for Kinga's legacy, and to be recognised on a personal level by a charity of my peers that I consider family. It is still bittersweet that Kinga did not live to see it - and that it has only come about because she both lived, loved, and died.<br />
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I've had some somewhat puzzled reactions from people initially, when I call the award 'ours' - I think because it is my writing that technically won. I must reiterate though - it is our award - perhaps even moreso Kinga's than my own. This blog is - and always will be hers - she built it, and poured her heart and soul into managing and maintaining it. She doesn't inspire my writing - she <i>is</i> my writing - quite literally, she is at the heart of all of my words in this place - and in the vast majority of my words and actions outside of it too. In essence - she did the hard part - I just try and give her life a voice, now that she is so forcibly muted. I wish so much that I wasn't the guest writer here - that she could still use this outlet as hers - that her voice wasn't diluted with my own interpretations of her and our life together.<br />
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Writing is a bridge between lives, that can survive time itself. It is a gateway to the past, where we all will eventually be consigned to. Writing is in so many ways, a way to be heard, long after you are no longer here. Today, I want to spend a little time revisiting the words that she wrote here - looking just a little at some of the legacy she created.<br />
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Kinga made this blog three years prior to her death. She built it to a point where it still, to this day, receives 5000-7000 page views per month - my own posting only accounts for around a quarter to a third of that, on average. This blog is still alive, and for it's intended purpose - over 18 months after she has passed (really makes you wonder what she could have done with another 50 years, right?}. When I first began writing here - I only did so so that her following would know she had passed. I then decided that I really didn't want to let this place die - but it took a long time for my thoughts to become coherent enough to have any real weight. Once I actually realised that this place had never died... I felt bad for underestimating her. People still look to her for advice on beauty and lifestyle stuff - even though she is gone.<br />
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Anyway, as her posts slowly get buried by my own, and as this blog gets mistakenly called more and more often 'mine' (which it will never be), let's get into a few of her posts. <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2019/05/a-celebration-of-kays-blogging-journey.html">I did this once before</a> - but there are so many to talk about! Even though the subject matter may not appeal to everyone - it is her personality that shines through in everything she writes. It is also a chance to show off her epic photography skills - Kinga had a rule whereby she would only ever post images here that she had taken herself - I've thus far managed to stick to that rule myself as well.<br />
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<b><a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2016/07/boyfriend-makeup-knowledge-tag.html">Boyfriend Makeup Knowledge Tag</a></b></h3>
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<img height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6eFXGPfUZqGSbDzonu7rYAh28Q8qzwkEYdKawy6EGq2vmCyiN8s-H0fHMzBtcZsqABiP44EMGH9mvYlVtn1PW09k1VuZK9FzaD4SK59Og5lN1au109O4Hgf20qF8Gw-0cUljSkfzDt58A/s400/20160713_183229.jpg" width="400" /><br />
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Starting off with one that personally makes me laugh - because it is perhaps the only post I was ever directly involved in! She wrote it pretty much as it happened, too... I think I did alright on the test actually (and the comments seem to agree)! To preface, I did actually read (and, when she was less confident starting out, proof read) every single one of her posts - but never wanted to be directly involved. Can't recall how she talked me into this!<br />
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She wanted me to try and do her makeup once for a post. She never successfully got me to agree to that one - it would have been an absolute disaster!<br />
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<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2018/11/the-ultimate-christmas-perfume-gift.html?m=1"><b>Any of her perfume posts </b></a></h3>
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<img height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIbGg4NlOYt13RRhvnCqFP_c7i-9YjUQd3KnfZYu76VLt0FDjEJX3zjZqppq2n1uGdBzG-OryS1fHM_WI654b-0kA1detUb5dJWDUXcexWmwzlvtMZpBFFRZG3vI1Pju0d9cSUacq8txoK/s400/fragrance.jpg" width="314" /><br />
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Perfumery was Kinga's passion - as anyone who regularly read her blog would know. She owned, at the time of her death, 170 perfumes - and that was after she sold a few, too (they are currently with her parents, who have them displayed in a glass cabinet. It is quite a sight to see). The way she talked about them - she was just so full of knowledge, and passion. She was pretty much an expert on the topic. I still spray her headstone with the couple I kept sometimes.<br />
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She had just started to put together plans to write a book on perfumery when she was killed - she didn't think anyone had done a good one. I have no doubt it would've been awesome.<br />
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<b><a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2018/10/unpopular-beauty-opinions.html?m=1">Unpopular Beauty Opinions</a></b></h3>
<img height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-NrJNGvQbYdZ7WSlkcIucIsFwo24i8bLpWP0s_mj4Sd2qxQIovDBrdaQUZp3cyx47mE8PzmadNXWOnPc3E4uiCopJHLQpJXeKCm5abCDwPnbZc_J5xR8z7T_EJbSB1viTDEhcF5qCRrVk/s400/IMG_0178.jpg" width="327" /><br />
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Bringing up a random one here - Kinga was just never afraid to stand on her own. She had a fire to her, that few had any reason to see - but was ever present under the surface. I think it took her a while to use this space to speak out - but she was really starting to. I think a better example of this that I've highlighted before is her '<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2017/10/forced-positivity-in-blogging-why-its.html">Forced Positivity In Blogging & Why It's Okay To Be Sad</a>' post. Like her, I really hate platitudes - I say things as they are - whether they are positive or negative.<br />
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A little controversy never hurt, right?<br />
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<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2018/08/meet-cinnamon-roll-my-baby-hamster.html?m=1">Cinnamiko</a>!</h3>
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<img height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpGxPzUQF7VYNMSb8aoHPufcQQxtFF33LtfknfCuJhzwsvldd7HwunSkfgjkwMNePmRgNO1Ur1uIdxgYHHdVMyOqH1GtURsjmrqvI7rK6rMLlJBvxyyEKwEyQPSukPBrnHUhDSktzxbZDr/s400/CL9-3.jpg" width="400" /><br />
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This makes me smile. She was super, super excited to finally get a pet - words seriously cannot express just how happy she was (she literally cried when we got him). Kinga named him Cinnamon Roll (I call him Cinnamiko, which kinda stuck as a nickname), and picked out all of his things, designed his habitat, etc. I kept telling her not to get attached too much - as he wouldn't live all that long... Then he outlived her.<br />
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He's still going - he's a little over two now. He's been quite sick lately unfortunately... Now I'm the one who is fully attached, and isn't ready to see him go. Life is strange indeed.<br />
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<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2018/02/100-beauty-blog-post-ideas.html"><b>100 Beauty Blog Ideas</b></a></h3>
<img height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL9PsRWf0CrJe5GQwvJyvbdp4HSkTb_Cdh5GDANGaTPAkTcm-yo3VgUoTJXCIDq2AuVcIPoV0SErZjlon_5_tK40KSj8filpjm806xRgiPSa7k8zi-2xp542jbnJLNR0NZ33OaEekFNJaV/s400/RANDOM1.jpg" width="320" /><br />
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I don't have any particular attachment to this post - but it is probably the best example of how this page is her legacy. This post is consistently the most regularly viewed post on this page. It is not the most viewed - that goes to a <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2016/03/nyx-lip-lingerie-lipstick-review.html">lipstick review</a>, that Kinga never fully understood why it blew up, and that she was actually really not happy with! At it's current pace though, it will likely become the most viewed post here.<br />
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100 beauty blog post ideas. How many people who have viewed it have been inspired by these ideas? How many words have, even slightly, been influenced by this? Continue to be influenced by this? I truly have no idea, but people keep on coming back to it. Now that? That makes me smile. The ripples just keep flowing on.<br />
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<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2017/02/how-to-be-successful-blogger-when-youre.html"><b>How to be a Successful blogger when You're Socially Anxious?</b></a></h3>
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<img height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPfzRN-fakJfVGq4HkuKu6tzQZoRpOz53vKJ54frtyGsetcEDwVhDNTAL2mRhgztK2Qla4GNwI1bTAvG8Hl6IBBxwPq6UvYJpANMaCLc52qQZp8KEs69GfXq6URHQq3gHZon0xIeKru13l/s400/20170215_104207.jpg" width="304" /><br />
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I highlight this post, more as a 'what could have been'. Kinga was becoming more and more open to talking about her mental health - especially around her anxiety (which I don't think many had any clue was as crippling as it was). She presented as much more confident than she gives herself credit for in this post - especially as she grew older - and really didn't let many people in on what was going on in her head. As her partner of nine and half years - I do know, but also don't feel it my place to tell that story - but I can highlight the few pieces where she expressed that side of herself..<br />
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One of her many unpublished posts was about her struggles with anxiety and mental health. It is too unfinished to publish - but she really could have and would have - used this platform to help some people. It reaffirms my belief that she would be happy with what I am writing here now.<br />
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I've been meaning to revisit her posts here for quite some time - it feels good to have finally done so again. She built her legacy in the short amount of time she had here - and I am glad to be able to continually add to it. In the spirit of that evolution - I recently recorded a video for men's health week - something the pre grief me would have massively shied away from. I figure that now, more than ever, it is important to speak out - to take every opportunity I can to give her pointless death just that much more meaning. Every time that I do... It adds to her legacy. You can find that video <a href="https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=547011062662269">here</a> (apologies, as it is a Facebook link).<br />
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Also, my words have been published in print - for the first time ever. She always thought I should write more - and always encouraged it. It's pretty amazing to actually see it happen. This is a modified version of the <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2020/01/kinga-year-with-grief.html">Year in Grief</a> post I wrote around the year mark. Everything I wrote there is still true - and in my lower moments - when I lose sight of these things - I go back to this one. I never normally re read my own words. Funny that eh?<br />
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I want to end this (slightly longer) post today with a pretty massive thank you to WAY, to everyone who voted on the award, and everyone who reads and contributes to Kinga's legacy. The Helen Bailey award really isn't a competition to me. To me, it is a celebration of grief writing - something I feel is so important to do, if we want the people unaffected by grief to understand our experiences. Nobody wants to be eligible to join WAY - but it is where we find ourselves, nonetheless. In the spirit of this not being a competition, I would like to give a quick shout out to the other nominees. We all have such wildly different experiences - and I would encourage anyone reading this to take a look at their work. They are as follows:<br />
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'<a href="https://griefwriting.blogspot.com/?fbclid=IwAR2DHOUQ2qdWpgMNvMj2YeqxWsbMHcoqgfGEFnVsP29SF0IyE2k-yvt8hcw">Swimming Through Clouds</a>' - by Beverley Ward, who also authored the book 'Dear Blacksmith', about her life with her partner, Paul.<br />
'<a aria-describedby="u_3f_1" aria-owns="js_2y1" class="profileLink" data-hovercard-prefer-more-content-show="1" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=240016480260863&extragetparams=%7B%22__tn__%22%3A%22%2CdK-R-R%22%2C%22eid%22%3A%22ARBL5dLBBoBHE8gs2B7i_LRMpRSjQpLMJNd2sHCZeJE4etgRkiIqZIrLEh1w28OezetDBXjMsQYZoH_p%22%2C%22fref%22%3A%22mentions%22%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/LifeWithoutMummy/?__tn__=K-R&eid=ARBL5dLBBoBHE8gs2B7i_LRMpRSjQpLMJNd2sHCZeJE4etgRkiIqZIrLEh1w28OezetDBXjMsQYZoH_p&fref=mentions&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARDdFtjC-oI8haqrTXerkuwINL5ccc3Te66iNEjoC_S6-IFWD7w6SmnP93DTuYMd3OsUjDz5Q_Fmqw1qTxSddfajsAiloL6g7RdxXU5mv0KuY3TlcCU8bfFGhUef85mxuo69cZB3bObQ7YRJChHaPun4XTGUw0uUh_QuafRhkyGMvCuTDVA1yweWYSFGOVPDCKHoHk2Z8veUE958qw8pZHDeG0M3nwWZLsxGOFSmfOZ-V8I24UqO8p6inSY1eMcgz29w4KiptIYi2tdtbxuHI2p_HOZCJbNcHbLysiRhCBwHiI7VIlIaBis3ZGnmW3T3Jwxisbr2kVFyDHrL" id="js_2yo" style="background-color: white; color: #385898; cursor: pointer; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; outline: none !important;">Life without Mummy</a>' - by Lee Cripps, who documents life as a widow whilst raising twins.<br />
'<a href="https://letstalkaboutloss.org/2019/11/12/widowed-at-26-years-old/">Widowed at 26 Years Old</a>' - a guest post on 'Let's Talk About Loss' by Olivia Rose - who writes about being widowed by cancer at an especially young age.<br />
'<a href="https://www.norainnorainbows.net/">No Rain No Ranbows</a>' - by Mark Wilcox, who writes about navigating grief as a widowed father, and about rebuilding a life after grief.<br />
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Aside from the nominees, I would also like to give a quick shout out to last years winner, Aimée Claire, for her aptly named blog '<a href="https://namelesspain.com/">A Nameless Pain'</a>. In addition to being a constant source of inspiration and support to myself, her writing on being an unwed widow at 26 is truly unlike any other.<br />
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They asked everyone to give a picture after they were nominated - and I insisted on having one of us - because it is our award, like I previously said. Nobody argued with me on that. It's the small things that count, eh? Thank you so much for reading here. I have no plans to stop writing... In fact, things are only going to ramp up, I think. Court proceedings officially begin in just over a week too... This journey is only going to get harder, before it becomes at all manageable. </div>
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Anyway, we did a thing Cub. How 'bout that? 'til the end of goddamn time.</div>
Sakimahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05083891252332085103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-91083344634885873252020-05-26T15:24:00.001+01:002020-05-26T15:24:34.459+01:00A Future with Grief.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello everyone.<br />
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In a few short days, it will be Kinga and I's 11 year anniversary. She has been gone so, so long now, that I have no real clue what life would be like were she still here - there were long term plans of course, but no specifics - no guarantees. Last year, celebrating our 10 year anniversary alone - an event we had planned (we had booked a holiday to Cyprus), one that she was so excited for - it crushed me beyond all words (This was coupled with the fact that we interred her ashes the day before that - the last time I ever held her... May of 2019 was a hard month). This year is different - this year... I'm mourning an event I could not possibly predict. Time has drifted me so far away from that life now, that the details and particulars of it are now entirely lost to an alternate timeline.<br />
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The idea of a future with grief is... Well there are no words that can fully express this struggle - but it is something I want to try and talk about today. I realised early on that grief was something I would live with forever - despite the overwhelming agony it creates, it is not some ailment to be cured - there is no pill that could take it from me. Immense grief is a result of immense love - and if that love is now immortalised... Then so is the grief that comes with it. If unspeakable, unimaginable pain is a result of that love, then it is a side effect I knew I'd have to learn to live with too. Words make it sound so simple, don't they? I've <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2020/03/remembering-future.html">spoken before</a> about mourning the version of the future we had planned - the version that my own head can make sense of - the one that was lost. But actually learning to exist in this present reality - the one where an unthinkable, nightmarish version of the future has actually come to pass... It is a feat beyond words.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She probably hated me for taking this. Perhaps she'll come back and shout at me for posting it... Here's hoping!</td></tr>
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At first, after Kinga was killed, it was hard to even accept that there is still life after her death - that I hadn't physically died with her. It became hard to even accept that I could be alive in a world where something so unlikely - so evil, had happened. Just looking beyond the next few minutes or hours could be... Impossibly hard, on some days. For me, It became necessary to attempt to live in the immediate moment - the past had become filled with bittersweet, painful and tainted memories: and the future was engulfed in a great, painful void - a place that even glimpsing at could conjure images of great despair.<br />
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After some of the initial rawness passes, it seems to become more natural to try and fill the present with distractions - hobbies, work, daydreaming of an alternate reality - anything that can avert your gaze away from that overwhelming void, even for a while. As time goes by, I have found that you can look into that void for longer - but it is no less crushing, and it remains an insurmountable task to even think about attempting to do anything about it. Accepting that you still exist, means accepting all that you lost no longer exists - your person, the future you had planned, and, to some degree at least, the person you were as well. Everything is changed: and none of it is easy to swallow.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcekTb2nI-qq-xLBYGBz9oLOhxpCuUJ0d9pCF6wXCNk5jXicGqdcQ_HdvBCsSvJ_5jwmGA3TPnZzTAjvirFCN8GjQ6E0praeth7XLf0RC8jmsF3pWC7NYtEVcdEd-5c6wwRhIbjg2kiHSW/s1600/DSCN0295.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcekTb2nI-qq-xLBYGBz9oLOhxpCuUJ0d9pCF6wXCNk5jXicGqdcQ_HdvBCsSvJ_5jwmGA3TPnZzTAjvirFCN8GjQ6E0praeth7XLf0RC8jmsF3pWC7NYtEVcdEd-5c6wwRhIbjg2kiHSW/s640/DSCN0295.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Heaven? If it at all exists, I think it'd look something like this.</td></tr>
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One thing that I have struggled with - in terms of moving forward, at least - is a changed relationship with death. Death is no longer a concept to me - no longer something that only happens to older, or sick people; I see how indiscriminate an event it truly is. I am more in tune with death - I notice it more on the news, or when I hear people are ill - when people are in situations that may cause even the slightest risk of death. I simply expect death now; I see it everywhere. I'm simultaneously more sensitive to the risk of it, and yet somehow more desensitised to actuality of it. Kinga's death was so random, and so unexpected - that I guess it made me realise that this is an immensely unsafe and dangerous world - that we can die on any day, at any moment.<br />
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I have lived over two years longer than Kinga, now. I have had much longer than she ever had - and yet it felt like our lives were still just starting. As I slowly approach 30, I begin to hear people jokingly tell me I must feel old - but the reality... I already feel so, so old. I feel like every day I have lived longer than she has, has been borrowed time - that it could - and will - just run out on any given day. That any moment, a satellite will fall on me when I'm out walking, or perhaps the ground under my feet will give way - maybe even to a super-volcano - these absurd eventualities feel as possible as what happened to Kinga (Case in point... We are living in the middle of a global pandemic - truly anything is possible). That feeling has been so, so prevalent for me; and has made existence seem so futile. When every day feels like borrowed time - when death becomes an expectation, how do you make peace with that? How do you rebuild a life, when it feels like you are laying the foundations of it on quicksand? Why create any new life for yourself, that can be lost in an instant?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivrIK8WybhpiiZ489DhK-0ZbsEjEUopYJUykAhUyLwInHIMYHRmF0Ju7H2nP3h5bRmKqMEZ9MJ82mEIFOjkFOI_-1qgV_1iUT44GWTnVQ94CpPUvinhH0wcFJWByli0gs98ZL9Nolmu90d/s1600/IMG_5221.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1203" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivrIK8WybhpiiZ489DhK-0ZbsEjEUopYJUykAhUyLwInHIMYHRmF0Ju7H2nP3h5bRmKqMEZ9MJ82mEIFOjkFOI_-1qgV_1iUT44GWTnVQ94CpPUvinhH0wcFJWByli0gs98ZL9Nolmu90d/s640/IMG_5221.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of our last pictures together - our 9 year anniversary trip to Tenerife. She had allllll the cocktails...!</td></tr>
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There isn't really an answer to these things, I think. I have come to contextualise these questions over time less as barriers; and more as just myself having a greater understanding of the fragile nature of life. Over time, they have made me more appreciative of my past; and of the things that I have left in my present. But even being able to accept a present existence doesn't make the idea of a future any easier to swallow - because it is not the future we had planned by any stretch of the imagination. The future went from being familiar - full of years of carefully laid plans and goals - to complete uncertainty, resembling none of that. Even when you begin to accept that you are in fact, still alive, you are still trapped in the middle of an ocean, on a small, rudderless boat... A boat that you constantly need to bail water out of, just to stay afloat.<br />
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The future is an illusion, in reality. You can never live in the future - but we all try and plan for it, on some level. For myself, I don't yet know yet what it will look like - beyond the impending court case, of course - but time has allowed me to begin to accept that it can still exist - and if that it does exist, it is because of Kinga, not in spite of her. I will never 'move on' from her - she is at the heart of all of my actions. I will carry everything I have learned and gained from her with me until I die (whether that is in five minutes, or 70 years). I think that is one of the great misunderstandings about grief - that you have to choose between embracing your past, and trying to have a future. I choose both - and no one person can make me decide otherwise.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><3</td></tr>
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It is still hard to imagine a 'happy' future - but I think just accepting that it exists is enough for now. Despite how this post may read - I do genuinely believe that there is some hope - for all of us. In writing this, I hope not to depress anyone - more to simply recognise the struggles of rebuilding a life after overwhelming trauma. The more we talk about these things... The more we learn. The more we can understand, and support each other.<br />
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Thank you, as always, to all who continue reading here. This was quite a difficult post to write - and wound up touching on some darker places than I intended it to. People have really responded to my grief writing lately - ever since the '<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2020/01/kinga-year-with-grief.html">Year in Grief</a>' post, really - and it has bolstered my confidence in continuing to talk about it. Grief truly is the loneliest place - and if anything I write can help make someone feel less alone - even for five minutes - or help someone grief adjacent better understand it - then it has been worth the effort. It certainly benefits me in getting these cloudy, complicated thoughts out here - helping me to navigate the tangled mass of webbing that is grief... And I know she would approve of that.<br />
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Here's to 11 years Cub. 'Til the end of time, eh? Whatever may come.<br />
<br />Sakimahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05083891252332085103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-47306559505654630622020-04-15T04:37:00.000+01:002020-04-18T05:26:15.017+01:00Grief In Isolation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2aeix_ixeqgQpy91XicGFcDiPxWIhmI-ddIH-Z1gByMMuZ3jvgJ-UTTdxuY7HHLeAvRdabQTM22bTMv72c4hvmN-KMZWlVW9dgYXP0VdubZkVPnHikOCXhamxljVkF830mcRtmrdMOUyn/s1600/SDC11468.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2aeix_ixeqgQpy91XicGFcDiPxWIhmI-ddIH-Z1gByMMuZ3jvgJ-UTTdxuY7HHLeAvRdabQTM22bTMv72c4hvmN-KMZWlVW9dgYXP0VdubZkVPnHikOCXhamxljVkF830mcRtmrdMOUyn/s640/SDC11468.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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Hello everyone.<br />
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The world has finally stopped. At least, that is how it both looks, and feels. People are describing their current, temporary losses - routines, freedom, certainty, safety - in ways that are distinctly grief-like. I can, of course, only speak for my own experience when it comes to grief and loss - but these are all things that were lost to me when Kinga was killed. The world ceased to make sense - and now, with a global pandemic gripping everyone, the world has managed to become even more implausible. I spoke in my last post about how this world where Kinga no longer exists feels like an alternate timeline... That feeling only seems to grow, as this reality becomes less grounded, and all the more absurd.<br />
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Like many, I entered a period of self-isolation after developing symptoms. I only had to isolate for 7 days - not 14 - literally because Kinga died, and I live alone as a result. Were Kinga here, 14 days alone with her honestly sounds great - we were constantly lacking on time together due to work commitments.... But she is not. That timeline is one that I know a lot of bereaved people can relate to right now. It struck me that this is literally the longest time I have spent away from anyone, possibly ever. This period of time has been amongst the most challenging, and dark I have ever lived - I have been forced to survive without the few small things routines and rituals that have kept me going these past 16 months... I can't imagine how I would have felt, had this happened at this time, last year.<br />
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I decided to write this post for a couple of reasons: but chief among them, I think, is just to remind the world that now more than ever, it is vital to not allow this time of physical isolation to breed actual isolation... That now, perhaps even more than usual, it is important to recognise the unique impact that this pandemic can have on grief, and perhaps more general mental health. My experience is all too common: but now feels like a deeply relevant time to talk about it.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our flat in Plymouth. We had more time in those days - we would have had so much more fun in isolation.</td></tr>
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In the early days of grief, the fact that the world kept on spinning felt like an insult - the idea that the vast majority of people were not directly affected by Kinga's death - that she was just another tragic face and name plastered in the local headlines - It was not something my mind could understand (to tell you the truth, it never really has). I selfishly wanted everyone to grieve her - even those that never even knew she existed. I wanted everyone to be miserable, to feel deeply uncomfortable living in such a dangerous, unpredictable world. I couldn't understand how apathetic the world was to her death. I think, as humans, we often feel invincible - we live with that whole mentality of bad things only really happening to other people - risks are conceptual, up until the point they become real. The pre-grief version of myself was guilty of that too. In so many ways, the world at large right now seems to be gathering a growing awareness of just how fragile our existence really is - but I have little doubt that those not directly affected will return to apathy once the dust has settled.<br />
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But now the world has stopped. For me, it stopped just as it finally began to slowly start spinning again. I know, from my support group, that so, so many of the bereaved are struggling right now. It takes a monumental amount of effort to build momentum in a post-loss world. For me, the person who killed Kinga had finally been charged - just in time for the courts to close. Literally all positive plans that had been made - no matter how minor - were cancelled. I no longer can visit Kinga - as I did once or twice every week - because the cemetery is closed. Early in my grief, I established a rule to protect my own mental health from (ironically) isolation - whereby I would go out every single day (a rule that has been vital and consistent in my grief) - but I lost even that, when I had to self-isolate. Everyone is losing right now. Greater losses - people, livelihoods. But, when you have lost that which made your life worth living - and then lose what little else was left... It is so, so hard to retain any measure of hope.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dawlish - one of our early anniversaries. Happiness... Sunshine... Perfection.</td></tr>
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This period of forced isolation felt entirely like an entirely different world to me. I had only my own company (and mercifully, our hamster), which is something I have not been entirely comfortable with since Kinga was killed. Early in my grief, I realised that sitting still simply brought attention to the inescapable void in my life that Kinga left behind - hence I developed the aforementioned rule where I had to keep moving. I think it is inevitable that in grief, we will try and fill that void (an impossible task) - be it with more socially acceptable things (like exercise, or hobbies), or less acceptable things, like alcohol. Isolation forced me to sit in my flat, with my grief, and without any of my socially acceptable coping mechanisms. My brain, which had finally begun to regain it's focus somewhat, was complete unprepared for just how overwhelming grief in inescapable isolation could be. It was like being stuck with a giant, hulking, starving monster.<br />
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Those seven days were a blur. I recall getting to Thursday, and having a minor panic attack because I believed, truly, that it was a Monday. Time loses all sense of meaning when your person dies - and that is even more true in periods of concentrated grief. I believe that is also why this current pandemic is hitting bereaved people especially hard... I've talked before about how hard the future is as a concept, when you have lost your partner, and your almost expected future. It forces you to exist in the present - day by day, hour by hour - sometimes even minute by minute in order to manage your reality. When your present feels utterly hopeless - it is hard to feel any kind of hope that life will get better. Whenever I have talked to people about how hard I have found this lockdown - they like to assure me that it is 'temporary'. When time is a complete illusion - when there is no tangible future - temporary loses it's meaning. The present is the only, unfortunate, reality.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of our first truly big adventures - Paris, 2012</td></tr>
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I recall finally leaving my flat after those seven blurry days - and seeing how the world had changed. I began developing symptoms shortly after the lockdown announcement (they passed after a couple of bad days - whether it was Covid-19 or not, I likely will never know), and people weren't taking many measures yet to combat it. The world afterward... Was strange. It was similar to how it felt leaving our house in the really early days of grief (dizzy, surreal, tilted) - but this time... It was kind of how I imagined it being after she died - instead of the world just kind of continuing as it did back then. The streets were emptied. The people I saw avoided me - some wearing face masks. I had stepped into a different world than the one I had left. My grief left me wondering if all of this was just more fallout from Kinga's death - more evidence of the world just going completely wrong without her. That probably seems a ridiculous thought to those not affected by early bereavement - but grief so easily becomes the centre of my own existence.<br />
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We are still in lockdown, of course. I am not personally in isolation. I can (and do) walk, now, and can work again. I think it would be easy to believe that that small piece of freedom means that all that I have written about is past tense now - but it is not. Regaining lost momentum is impossible right now, whilst the world (ironically) refuses to spin. Even as clarity begins to make a comeback - it will likely be some time before hope does the same. I know so, so many feel that right now... In an era of seemingly forced positivity, I think it is so damn important to recognise and validate the truth of what we are feeling.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We were both kind of in love with these chairs!</td></tr>
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So... This was a very different post for me - but it feels like an important one for right now. This blog isn't mine - it is Kinga's - but I believe she would approve of what I write here - and the messages I receive from it. I'm not yet ready to fully speak about the full extent of the darkness my grief has wrought - but I hope to, one day - if people continue to find it helpful. Writing truly does bring about a sense of order amongst my thoughts, a level of connection with the world, and a degree of catharsis to me. I've said it before, but I believe everyone should write about their grief, and mental health.<br />
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More importantly, if you are isolated, and struggling - you're not alone. I know - I really, really know - just how damn alone it feels - but you aren't. And if you're reading this, and not struggling? Reach out to someone who is. There is enough death in the world on account of this pandemic - and whilst the world is focused on curing the physical side of this disease... Loneliness, despair, isolation - they are all killers too - we shouldn't allow them to operate in silence.<br />
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Thank you as always to everyone who reads this. I intend (as I did before this pandemic) for my next post to once again highlight some more of Kinga's writing. Her legacy forever lives and breathes in this space, even if she can't add to it any more.<br />
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'Til the end of time, Cub.<br />
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<br />Sakimahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05083891252332085103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-17755045361503971212020-03-07T21:36:00.000+00:002020-03-07T21:41:37.075+00:00Remembering the Future.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello everyone.<br />
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We are now in March - and we are slowly approaching Mother's Day. Were Kinga still here, I have little doubt she would be thinking up some perfume recommendations right about now - and this blog would continue to be filled with her sage advice, passions, and her unique sparkle. That is the way things should be. Instead, we live in a world without her. A world where her footsteps exist - but she just doesn't any more. This space is now firmly devoted to establishing and preserving her legacy - drawing attention to those footsteps... And expressing grief for those she can no longer take.<br />
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I often think of the reality I currently exist in as an alternate timeline - in the main timeline she is still alive. That may sound like a strong case of denial, or a detachment from reality to some - and perhaps that is true on some level. I think this way, because of how strongly I mourn the future that was mapped out for us - the future that would likely exist were she still alive. I do recognise that the future is a fiction, really - we can't see it, or live in it. The best we can do is make predictions about it based on probability. The probability of the future I saw for us was quite high - we had realistic, achievable plans, with so much potential beyond that. The probability of her death... Well, that margin is so slim, it just doesn't register in a world filled with any logic and reason. The future in the main timeline is so, so real to me... The future in this reality... Well unthinkable things can happen to anyone, at any time, here. It is fog, and uncertainty.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kinga with Cinnamon Roll. One of the very last pictures I have of her.</td></tr>
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My mind slips into the main timeline, and daydreams about what we would be doing now, were she alive. When she died, that was easier to envisage - we had immediate plans, such as our 10 year anniversary trip to Cyprus. I was personally applying for teacher training - which, had everything gone well, I would be doing now. Kinga had been coaching me throughout the whole process... She was so charismatic - I had nothing on her. Kinga half wrote a post (much to my own heartbreak), before she died, called 'Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019!', where she listed her goals for the year she never got to see. She wanted to change her job (which, may have inadvertently saved her life), to exercise more regularly, to stick to a more regularly posting schedule... Normal, real plans. Outside of that, we had our own plans for the future. At 26... The future was full of endless possibilities. Possibilities, that were taken from her.<br />
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I mentioned that it is Mother's Day this month. It was this, that prompted me to write this post. That likely is an eyebrow raising statement - I understand that. I am a man, with a mother who is alive and well, without children of my own. Kinga was not a mother - besides being a hamster mum, of course (she would be shouting at me if I didn't acknowledge that, quite frankly). She was not pregnant. We weren't trying for children yet. To the average stranger, I would appear to have no tangible reason to talk about this day. However... One of the most certain plans we had - estimated at about two years from the point of her death, and certainly before we were 30, was to start a family.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Edinburgh, 2015. Really, really nice memories there.</td></tr>
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Our children don't exist. Literally. They were a thought. A probability. A part of the fictional future I have no access to, but is so damn real to me. Their mother is gone. Frankly, the person whom she believed would be a good father to them is gone too. We hadn't gone beyond planning and talking about them... And yet, their loss burns as hard to me as Kinga's does. When I visit Kinga - as I do often, I think about them. We had names picked out - names that had taken us countless hours and years to actually agree on, no less. Sebastian for a boy. Scarlett for a girl. Names for people that can't exist. That, in this timeline, never did. People, who are no more real to the rest of the world, than another person's imaginary friend.<br />
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I mourn thoughts. I grieve for people who were never even conceived. I don't know their faces. I don't know who they would have become. I don't know anything about them. Hell, I don't know for certain that they could have even existed - life has a habit of throwing up additional roadblocks. I've lost the opportunity to meet them. We both lost the chance to find out... Because she is gone. When I lost her, my family became condemned to an eternity as an idea. An unwritten chapter of my life. They exist solely in my head. And yet, they are more real to me than almost any person I know.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was in Poland, actually. Yeah...</td></tr>
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I'm sure there are a few people who question why I chose to talk about this. I debated it myself, to tell you the truth. I have mentioned to a few people how I feel that more than one person is buried with Kinga... I always get puzzled reactions. Her grave is so much more than where her remains are buried. It is the grave of my family. The grave of her future. I want the world to know what it is missing. I want the world to feel her loss - feel my pain - and understand it. Perhaps then, a few people may think twice before they put other people in harms way, through their own selfish and reckless behaviour. The man who killed her did not just take her life, nor her future: he took away the lives of our children too. There are no bodies. No funerals. No eulogies. No-one left behind to speak their names. But they are gone all the same.<br />
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The more I talk about her, and spread her story, the more she is alive. So, I keep talking. Our children didn't exist - but if I talk about them too... Then perhaps they can find some form in words, that they were denied by life. I hope that the main timeline is a reality - and that they are that much closer to existing in that world. I hope that there, I am still trying to talk Kinga out of having Hello Kitty wallpaper in their bedrooms (regardless of gender) - even though I know deep down that that is a losing battle. I hope they inherit her beauty, and her fire. I hope she teaches them to not take any crap from people - whilst still acting with thought, dignity and compassion. I hope they live a life of honesty, true to themselves, and on their own scales of success, and do whatever makes them happy. Hell, were she alive, I would never have needed to worry. They could not have asked for a better role model, with Kinga as a mother.<br />
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I know as well, that many people in my situation - and there are so, so many of us - feel this way too. Many of us mourn the futures we thought we had - whatever that may have entailed. Many of us mourn children we never had, memories we never made, paths that are no longer open to us... The more I explore my own grief, the more I see the value in talking about it's complexities - in attempting to normalise these feelings, that are likely alien to those who are grief adjacent. Grief is hard enough, without living in fear of judgement for mind-altering feelings that come along with it.<br />
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Thank you to all who still read this page. The response to my last post here in particular has been overwhelming. This blog has actually been nominated for the Helen Bailey award through WAY - a charity, whom if you have read my past posts, know has been massive support to me since Kinga was killed. I have to say a massive thank you to whomever nominated me - and all those who voted too. Honestly, regardless of outcome, just being heard, being recognised, keeping her legacy going... These are things that mean more to me than anything else in this world. It has encouraged me to write more about my grief. If people can see themselves in her ripples... Then her legacy is also in helping people. This is still her page though, and I do intend to write a part two to her post highlights soon (I have started the process!).<br />
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When I began posting here, I was conflicted. This is her space. Her legacy. I posted to keep it alive. As I take a more active role in managing it however... I realise that it never died. This page still, nearly 15 months after her death, receives 5000 page views a month - and my own posts only account for about a quarter of that. I looked on her business e-mail (which I only recently changed) - and she was still receiving daily brand offers. People still look to her for advice. People are still drawn to her. This part of her legacy never even faded.<br />
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She is still so, so present, for so many... And that thought? That does manage to make me smile.<br />
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<br />Sakimahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05083891252332085103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-25627369561250557262020-01-05T03:08:00.003+00:002020-07-05T22:54:19.732+01:00Kinga - A Year in Grief. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tenerife 2018. This is the last dress she ever wore.</td></tr>
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Hello everyone.<br />
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It is... Unthinkable... That it has been more than a full year since Kinga's life was taken from us. Time passes so randomly and illogically in grief. I somewhat recently wrote on my support group that it 'feels like I am an unwilling participant in time, sometimes. Like time is this unwavering sentinel, simply dragging me along by the leg, whilst I kick and scream - just moving further and further away from the time when she existed. I've been begging it to stop for most a year, but it keeps on chugging - relentless, unflinching.' The day she died feels just like yesterday - but part of me wonders if the nine and a half years we had together ever even happened at all. Some days, they just feel like a deeply elaborate dream.<br />
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I don't wish for this post to be about me - but I guess it is unavoidable that I will be talking about my grief here - grief is truly an expression of love, in reality. This has been the worst year I have ever lived - worse than anything I could have ever dreamed of living. No one thinks about - or wants to think about - anyone in their life dying - especially long before their time - but it happens. Perhaps we should consider these things. The me that exists now has a far greater understanding of the value of the time that I had with her, than the version of me that she knew. We all get caught up in life - drama, money, crap - and we so easily lose sight of what is important. In the pursuit of moving forward in our lives - it is remarkably easy to forget to take stock and appreciate the things in our lives that we are actually living for.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't have enough pictures like this - pictures of every day life. This was in our old flat in Plymouth, 2011-2014</td></tr>
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Legacy is a concept that has been a constant battle for me in this past year. Keeping her memory alive - giving her meaningless death some meaning - these things that have kept me going. Those who knew her don't need me to tell them how wonderful she could be in life - how undeserved and cruel her death was. She was a private person - it is true - something we both shared - but she wanted to make her mark on this world. She would have, too. Today actually marks the date where I have lived two years longer than she has - and my own marks on this world are far, far lesser than hers. She simply wouldn't have accepted any less than a bright, sparkly and glittery future. I often think that she would feel anger about her death, before she felt sadness - angry, that someone took her future, purely out of their own negligence and stupidity.<br />
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Nevertheless, legacy troubles me. She was 26 years, 3 months, and 29 days old - and had much, much more life to come - her greatest achievements were ahead of her. If the average person these days is living to around 80 - then she was robbed of over two thirds of her life. This place is her most obvious and tangible legacy - and she lives in the memories of those who knew and loved her. Another thought occurred to me, more recently, however - that my own continued existence is her legacy too.<br />
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People will often tell the bereaved that their person 'lives on inside them' - but that has always felt like a platitude to me - a small, meaningless, learned phrase, designed purely to comfort, but devoid of real meaning. But Kinga was me. <i>Is</i> me. The lines between us remain invisible, really. Sure, we had opposite personalities - she was fire, I was ice - but we were each other's lives for a decade - from the ages of 16 and 17. We shaped each other. Learned from each other. Shared everything together. It is impossible to separate the parts of me that exist independent of her - because there is no aspect of my life that isn't intrinsically tied to her.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How she would want to be remembered - her makeup skills plain for all to see.</td></tr>
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Legacy is also troubling because it implies moving forward - a concept that is beyond difficult to understand for many of the newly bereaved. The year mark felt like this huge moment - the end of this arduous journey. Reaching the mountaintop. I couldn't see that in reality... It was just another day. Nothing changed that day. She didn't magically reappear. My own journey didn't end - it carried on. I was at the place she was killed, at the time she died, standing in the pouring rain. I waited there (with her parents), until the time that I know she finally died - like some lost time traveler. A year too late. Nothing changed.<br />
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Moving forward is a concept that realistically I have begun to come to terms with however. Going back to what I said about how we were intrinsically tied together... Well, it made me realise that anyone who likes me, likes her. Because she is me. Anyone who loves, or may love me in the future, also loves her. Because she is me. I am her legacy, because I am a result of our relationship. The person I am - the person I may become - is because of her. Independent of that, I will also never stop talking about her. No matter what comes, she is alive for as long as I am alive - and hopefully long passed that. As Terry Pratchett would say, her ripples will flow on. I think above all else - this thought gives me the most comfort.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Portugal, 2017. I also don't have enough pictures of us smiling or pratting about like we usually did. </td></tr>
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Sometimes I feel like I understand my grief. Other times I think I am an idiot for thinking that even possible. To me, grief is just a neat word society has taught me to use, in order to describe the complete and utter decimation of our life - our future - everything I have come to know, or expected life to be. The word 'loss' does not even remotely begin to cover what I have lost. I may have found some comfort in knowing her legacy exists through me - but I will never, ever be okay with what happened to her. Thus, leads on to perhaps the most important part of her future legacy.<br />
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I still can't talk about the circumstances of her death. To say that I am aching to would be an understatement. I can say that the decision to charge the man that did this to her has not yet been made - over a year on, and 9 months after the conclusion of the investigation. I am a law graduate - I genuinely believed in the system - but so much of living through this has exposed deep, deep flaws within it. His licence has not been revoked. In fact, regardless of circumstance, this can't be taken until he is convicted. I guess the system doesn't value life and safety as much as we would all like to believe it does.<br />
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I guess this has the potential to be the most far reaching part of her legacy. It is not tied to her life - and it is not the part of her story I want to tell - but it is the part I want to change - when I am able to speak about it. I hope in exposing the flaws in the system - in exposing the events that lead to her death - there may be a few less people left where I am. I guess I have truly gained a spark of her fire after all.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Helligan, 2010. She was always so damn beautiful. </td></tr>
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Thank you all for reading. I want to keep writing here - as my brain allows me too. This place is the most tangible and real part of her legacy. Reading her words, seeing her videos, it triggers so many memories for me - small conversations, and tiny details. This place is an expression of herself - a self, that no longer has being. I would also like to take the chance to thank everyone who has supported me this year - especially the amazing friends I have made in <a href="https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/">WAY - Widowed and Young</a>, a charity that has quite possibly saved my life, and has become like family to me. Frankly, anyone who has offered me a kindness this year - I owe you, and I thank you.<br />
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The biggest thanks I have to give though, is reserved to those who have heard Kinga's story, and speak her name. To those who help me keep her alive - whether you knew her, or not... I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Words cannot express what that truly means.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4HvTOb3vkSEOruE9uLGIRCOeext86uVlLtyEbStXQZHBTxWCiImKvdm9d5t97cff14K_fd0z3j-p7F6_vyyVjM6-XTzXoWKJNr5ClYldnCozEvCi54-S8xpv5VeFvhtwtSyCYs3_wnHBk/s1600/20160530_100854.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1440" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4HvTOb3vkSEOruE9uLGIRCOeext86uVlLtyEbStXQZHBTxWCiImKvdm9d5t97cff14K_fd0z3j-p7F6_vyyVjM6-XTzXoWKJNr5ClYldnCozEvCi54-S8xpv5VeFvhtwtSyCYs3_wnHBk/s640/20160530_100854.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Marrakesh, 2016. So far out of our comfort zone. Still smiling.</td></tr>
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Well... There's little else to say, I think. Here's to the continuation of her life, and her story. In 2020, and beyond.<br />
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'Til the end of time, Cub. 'Til the end of bloody time.<br />
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<a href="https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/"><br /></a>
Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-74872815250647694152019-10-07T11:52:00.001+01:002019-10-07T12:26:17.301+01:00Six Steps - the Thin Line Between Life and Death.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello everyone.<br />
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It has been a minute since I have written here now. I did not intend for this - I have half a dozen posts half written here - but it is hard. This platform was Kinga's - not mine - to share her passions, views, and occasionally, her vulnerability. This place gave her an outlet and a sense of purpose. Now, she is gone - and this space cannot be used for that any more. I have written tributes, and brought light to some of her best posts (and fully intend to do so again). I have touched on my own grief - and may do so again in the future... But I feel this space is really her legacy. I don't wish for it to die - but I do not want my own self or agenda to fully take it over. It is a difficult balance. This place was her baby - and for as long as I live, I want it to stay that way.<br />
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But as I just said... It is hard. It is hard to accept that we live in a world that is void of her light - a world where she cannot share her voice or create any form of direct impact. Outside of this place... Her primary legacy will be her death. If the general public remember her at all - that is what they will remember her for. I think that is why this space - the space where she shared herself - is so goddamn important. This place will live on for as long as the internet remains - and I am alive to pay for the domain.<br />
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What inspired me to make this post is unavoidably, a very deeply depressing sentiment. last week, I went up to the roadside memorial - I go there every month or so, to maintain it and keep it visible to everyone who drives there. In the early days, I found comfort in doing this - it felt like I was honouring her. But as the shock of her death has worn off somewhat, it has really become what it is - the place where she took her final breaths on this Earth. A place that is marked - still to this day - by the faded remains of her chalk outline.<br />
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Well, on this occasion, I did something I haven't done before. I counted the steps she would have needed to take to make it to the safety of the bridge path. Whilst the criminal investigation is still - over nine months on - awaiting a formal charge, and I can't really talk about the circumstances (although I have a hell of a lot to say once I can)... I can say that if she'd have managed to takes six more steps up the hill with her bike, she would still be here today. I have been told that 'what ifs' are par for the course with grief - but it is a truly a - bordering on impossible - set of factors that brought her and the driver to that exact place at that precise time. If she had been just two or three seconds faster - or the driver just two or three seconds slower - had she been able to make those six measly steps - she would still be here. She would be writing here instead of me.<br />
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I guess the point of this post is to highlight the fragility and unpredictability of life. To know that we are not safe - that are our actions have consequence. I doubt there are many that go out with the intent to kill - but there are many that think it won't be them that kills someone. No healthy person wakes up expecting to die - but it can happen to anyone, at any time, in reality.</div>
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The same day I visited the roadside, on the road before the one she was killed on, I saw two separate drivers on their phones - one of whom very nearly hit me. These drivers inevitably did not go out with the express intent of killing anyone - but their actions could have. The man that killed Kinga - as easy as it is in my brain to villainise him as some deeply evil, moustache twirling madman - almost certainly didn't intend to kill her. But he did. One man's actions took the next 50 or so years of a young woman's life - a young woman filled with so much potential - not long from starting her own family. A young woman that I loved more than words could ever express... And I am far from alone in feeling that way.</div>
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Since I last posted, Kinga would have turned 27. She didn't, though. Because she wasn't able to take six more steps. I spent her birthday with her at the cemetery. Playing music, drinking wine... Stuff we would have probably done anyway. She'd been go so long at that point that we hadn't even begun planning this day - not even slightly. I have no idea what we would have done. My own birthday was not too long after - and it was utterly meaningless without her. Had she made those six steps - these days would have had so much more meaning.<br />
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I try not to drown in what ifs. It's hard though. So hard. Six steps. Two, three seconds? There are so many ways in which that could have been made up. I could have influenced it too, really. No one could have known - except perhaps the driver - but her death is so preventable. It makes no sense - and even as we approach month 10 - the reality of it is that it never will. It only gets more senseless and confusing as time goes by.</div>
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Thank you all for reading. I have been hesitant to share this next picture around - but I figure anyone who has read down this far cares about her enough to see it. This is her headstone. I pretty much spend all of my spare time here. The words are mine - as are many of the decorations. The rest are from her parents... She is here now. The words don't do her justice really - but they are the best I could muster to describe someone as incredible as her.<br />
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Hold on to those you love. And act with consideration towards those you don't. It is all we can do, in the end. And never forget Kay's life - much less her death. </div>
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'til the end of time, Cub.<br />
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<br />Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-30647808077182752272019-06-10T02:48:00.002+01:002019-06-10T23:32:11.741+01:00Kinga + Sakima - Our Origin Story.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello everyone.<br />
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In just a couple of days, it will be six months since Kay was killed. In that time, I have written several posts - some in tribute, some just musings. But all are a little negative - naturally. Whilst this does absolutely reflect my own feelings at this time, it doesn't match the majority of what Kinga did in her little corner of the internet. I am intimately familiar with this blog - I have proof read every single post since the original post - since the perfume blog she started before this in fact! But I wanted to write something a little more positive for a change; a little more in keeping with the general tone of her content. In truth, she could have written this post - and I almost wish she would have.<br />
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To that end, I am going to tell a story. It's quite a traditional one, really. A love story. Boy meets girl. It's not a story I have fully told before - we were both genuinely embarrassed about it! Kinga did want to write about us before a little more - but I wanted to stay in the shadows; not taint her beauty with my... Presence - keep some of our personal life private. So I don't think she would disapprove of me telling this story. It would have been our 10 year anniversary on the 29th of May - so it seems fitting to celebrate us, in a sense. Even if it is completely bittersweet to do so. So, here is how it all happened...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah we're totally not cool kids, right?!</td></tr>
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Kinga and I met online. There. I said it. It's been the most open secret ever that we totally denied for years to anyone who asked! We started talking in 2009 - and dating someone from online was still a little taboo back then. We actually met on a website called... Okay, full disclaimer, these were peak emo times... 'Vampirefreaks'. Yep. We did that. She was 'Mochamuffin' (always damn cute), and I was, tragically 'The Ninth Storm' (what was I thinking again?). She commented on my profile, just after I had signed up (for the second time, having initially quit the site the year before... There is an interesting story behind that actually, which I shan't say here), and said 'cute cute cute... *fangirl sigh*'. I'd been called a lot of things - but cute was certainly not one of them (although everyone got a level of attention on that site for some reason). She would later say she was drawn to my profile as my picture was of me holding my (at that time) one year old sister - a lot of people thought I was her dad back then! But yeah, we got talking, and started talking on MSN (yes - we existed in the era where MSN was the most important thing in existence!).<br />
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We hit it off pretty quickly, and soon began talking every day - and on the phone. Actually, on our first call, Kinga wanted to write a script for it, because she was so nervous! In fairness, she had only been speaking English for a year at the time - not that you could tell at all - she was already fluent when we met. I've never been much of a talker - but we would talk for long hours - all day, about everything. We were just on the same wavelength to such a crazy degree - I've never met anyone that that has been true for. We arranged to meet properly (felt like we already had at that point), and we set the date to the 29th May 2009 - during a half term (we were both in college at the time). I saved up all the money I had left over from EMA during college to buy a ticket - and was so broke afterward I couldn't even afford to buy flowers! But still, I traveled 5 1/2 hours each way (casually lying to my mother about what I was doing, I might add!) in one day to spend about 8 hours with her.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kinga, about two years into our relationship - and a bit sick of me taking pictures! How did I get so lucky again?</td></tr>
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I wasn't in a good place mentally or physically at that time - I didn't look after myself much then. But the night before I must have spent hours in the mirror trying to look presentable - something I had never done before - or since, really. I remember getting the bus to the train station at the crack of dawn that day, and there was a man who I sometimes spoke to on the bus (I used to get it daily for college). I told him I had a date - and I specifically recall him saying 'who knows, this could be the beginning of the rest of your life'. I didn't see him after that - or I could have told him just how right he was.<br />
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And then, after a long train ride, we met. And it wasn't awkward, miraculously. Not at all. It was like we'd known each other for years. She gave me a bear early on (yes, the girl gave the boy a bear!) and told me that it was called 'Little Kinga' - and that I had to look after her... And to this day, I still do (literally one of my most cherished possessions). We didn't have any money between us, but she had already planned on where we would go. She was always so organised; even then!<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhATjppa_woIJ14YnN7pyQZtJEhd3KGRKTRFfu63ucfxrTBW0eAC2sOIXjY_hNP4ZlkZ0Bpu6RNVKcT4dAkKumlwbDBgWtPwOfonAyvXlONOb8a7kmKuXB-eEAboo_YoVFK-2TwaWokLefV/s1600/IMG_20190529_140728.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhATjppa_woIJ14YnN7pyQZtJEhd3KGRKTRFfu63ucfxrTBW0eAC2sOIXjY_hNP4ZlkZ0Bpu6RNVKcT4dAkKumlwbDBgWtPwOfonAyvXlONOb8a7kmKuXB-eEAboo_YoVFK-2TwaWokLefV/s640/IMG_20190529_140728.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">This was where the bench was originally - where everything truly began.</td></tr>
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We got some drinks at the local Tesco - she introduced me to this polish drink that was an apple and mint flavoured thing... I didn't have the heart to tell her that I utterly despise apple AND mint - and I didn't want to appear fussy - so I drank it (and may have casually tipped some away). We would later laugh about that many, many times. We wound up walking along the beach a little way, before stopping at a bench.<br />
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It was a grubby little sheltered bench, coated in graffiti - the kind that are common at seafronts (it was removed a few years later). We talked some more, and then it just kind of happened. She came over and kissed me. My first kiss, actually. It lasted for a long time, and legitimately gave me neck ache, but it happened. And that was when I knew that everything would change. I think that might have been the first time I had ever experienced pure, unfiltered happiness. And it didn't stop there.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjigp6HoVJnSqg99OTvDZzC2ZqtOZZ4L5gb4D-Va42hcrKst5GQs0BkVz2S_7Ph3Z5ZnZxBMatsnI1z-rjFEZNqfPfVN_BUuUdlvH-oySUIeyEbU7RMupyL4BwdMdUvw8GMWC3X5vkhCcvS/s1600/Untitled+design.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="756" data-original-width="945" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjigp6HoVJnSqg99OTvDZzC2ZqtOZZ4L5gb4D-Va42hcrKst5GQs0BkVz2S_7Ph3Z5ZnZxBMatsnI1z-rjFEZNqfPfVN_BUuUdlvH-oySUIeyEbU7RMupyL4BwdMdUvw8GMWC3X5vkhCcvS/s640/Untitled+design.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A few random pictures she took on the hill that day. Never shared these before!</td></tr>
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Afterward we carried on up the beach - just laughing, smiling, joking. We tackled each other on the sand. Just happy and young. I recall an old woman giving us a really big smile as we passed her. We carried on to our destination - a relatively secluded hill, next to a very old church. We spent hours up there. That place became synonymous with our relationship; we would make regular pilgrimages back there. We spent hours there, just being happy. The sun was gorgeous that day, whilst we lay on the grass. Just talking. And making out, of course. It was a perfect day. We had many since - but few days compare to how pure that one was. I eventually had to go, of course - and there were tears that it had to happen. But we both knew it was a beginning, not an end.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrzWzVNjSa5vdS5tAdMlIlpUXPMegbP1EALHCuNRymOn1RFFP75RvmmM0adkjqDxoGI8pUk4KlZDdR7p9qvxxaHGx667NOgonTlIqO3d1ujPImtV1oelkgJnylq_8BOEPfaP8siH1JcYmG/s1600/290520092914.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrzWzVNjSa5vdS5tAdMlIlpUXPMegbP1EALHCuNRymOn1RFFP75RvmmM0adkjqDxoGI8pUk4KlZDdR7p9qvxxaHGx667NOgonTlIqO3d1ujPImtV1oelkgJnylq_8BOEPfaP8siH1JcYmG/s640/290520092914.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At the end of our first date. That sod on the right is sitting on Cloud Nine!</td></tr>
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We continued to be long distance for about two years - visiting each other every other weekend, and on holidays. When Kinga started university (Kinga started university the year after myself - she did an extra year at college), we moved in together. I remember, especially in the early days people would not believe that I was with her - because she was so beautiful and I was always just... not... that. She attracted a lot of male attention - but despite that, she chose me, of all people! For some unknown reason, I was the one who got the girl. We were always for each other, so I was never threatened by it all - it was just something I could rub into the faces of all the assholes who had ever 'bullied' me before then (I was always thick-skinned, but it was satisfying as hell in so many ways). It was hard, being long distance, but we always had an end date planned to it - and that got us through those times. It wasn't always perfect, our relationship - we certainly had our issues, and we both regretted becoming so serious so early on - love can make you irrational. But once we moved in together, we stayed living together up until her death.<br />
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So it was our 10 year anniversary on the 29th of May - the anniversary of that perfect day. We were due to be in Cyprus - but I could neither afford nor face doing that alone. But I had to mark the day - it was too important. It was a day Kinga was excited for - had planned, and we had talked about for quite a while now. A huge landmark. Marking it alone... Was just so wrong, on so many levels. To mark it, I retraced the steps of our first date, as well as spending some time with her (she is now resting at the crematorium), and tidying her roadside memorial. It rained that day. Fitting really - considering how glorious the weather was on that day 10 years ago.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBloVju_Ftk769iQAY0eFFBtR5ti9Msy-GQhsJTe1EV1n_eV9mYHeW5ELoOKAZTra_UcfSNlG4UHIcZg8_JX9Zy8hqyoAflGqmRwGbLp40FHlVU8xrSX6jwrEcXtTSO46oJ9HpAjXBJDth/s1600/IMG_20190529_150027.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBloVju_Ftk769iQAY0eFFBtR5ti9Msy-GQhsJTe1EV1n_eV9mYHeW5ELoOKAZTra_UcfSNlG4UHIcZg8_JX9Zy8hqyoAflGqmRwGbLp40FHlVU8xrSX6jwrEcXtTSO46oJ9HpAjXBJDth/s640/IMG_20190529_150027.jpg" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I released this on the Hill, where we were on our first date... </td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGi7cHQh373KP8iuKIiPG5E-LSMrYgNTi6Wdqma3_IsmgLlfSzlCIhAYt72Qvn3Uak_JRsENrO2f_9SRzl9frzU3wBBjlYz0uqy_CyKz8p2DlDVZ0HM5esYtui6Mel54GbDXKhf2BBrPdv/s640/IMG_20190529_150110.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="480" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">... And off it went. Hopefully to find her.</td></tr>
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We had always celebrated our anniversaries. If we were at a beach for it, it became a tradition to write it in the sand. I didn't get to put the big '10' in Cyprus - but I still wrote it, near to where it all began. It stopped raining whilst I did it - and it started again right after I was done. Funny, that.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQV2A9Wej8DDFrJsCfCLYzSxyEAM6lom3CuU4KBBsjf2xDFkQrzygyctfoweF9ybH5IrOsdeAgxb-rmEsAd303i4ulk2YoIjxDxOeY4s1ha6FgCtTSS5xx0C_y9ccwI9fzOdRmvtX0fpFN/s1600/Untitled+design+%25281%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="756" data-original-width="945" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQV2A9Wej8DDFrJsCfCLYzSxyEAM6lom3CuU4KBBsjf2xDFkQrzygyctfoweF9ybH5IrOsdeAgxb-rmEsAd303i4ulk2YoIjxDxOeY4s1ha6FgCtTSS5xx0C_y9ccwI9fzOdRmvtX0fpFN/s640/Untitled+design+%25281%2529.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some of the previous years. 5 Years was in Newquay, 8 years was in Portugal, and 9 years was in Weston, just before we went to Tenerife.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEictkWLT4GgRe0LYtGjnPShay0XUnZyiNyOgc3YDUPeJliY-r7AR74sEYhkd7SPhFeU9i03E2nYNCHzPgP7fCgRNJCKXrmKszRmfoiuR1pJktQT58gdihiplVBzXgjp03GDrveh_8ujdGrs/s1600/IMG_20190529_142648.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEictkWLT4GgRe0LYtGjnPShay0XUnZyiNyOgc3YDUPeJliY-r7AR74sEYhkd7SPhFeU9i03E2nYNCHzPgP7fCgRNJCKXrmKszRmfoiuR1pJktQT58gdihiplVBzXgjp03GDrveh_8ujdGrs/s640/IMG_20190529_142648.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
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I think it is easy to fall into a trap when someone dies unexpectedly - to remember them for the circumstances of their death - not their life. Everybody knows the famous serial killers, for example, but few know the names of their victims. Whilst Kinga's case is not quite as dramatic as that, there is still court down the line - and within that I suspect that the focus will inevitably be on the manner of her death, and the character of the accused. It isn't right - in my mind - that this is the case. I think it is important to focus on the innocent party - the person they were, and the impact they made whilst they walked the planet. I think, as a society, it is something we need to draw more importance to.<br />
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Thank you all for reading. All of your messages - both public and private - mean the world to me. Keeping the ripples of her life going keeps me going, ultimately. She was truly the best partner in life (and in crime) I could have ever asked for. I know she was special to some of the people reading this too - whether they met her or not. I simply hope that she is at peace now, wherever she may or may not be... And I would like to thank you all again for supporting her with her with this blog - and with her passions.<br />
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One more picture before I finish... I just love this one.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA1bmAJ4p0R7KaTyGrvsACx3V0hd0GIOVp6qCNKd4KkdvjpdDIsY87fBJd4Is221zVLNXdJ3hrTH9zWKd1VdnYUxug0viK-rEGNwd9cCZXSOvfKovF_ButSI39bFb23_akQrVYpBEzt2VT/s1600/14574248_171511923303681_6469540874693902336_n%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1177" data-original-width="1080" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA1bmAJ4p0R7KaTyGrvsACx3V0hd0GIOVp6qCNKd4KkdvjpdDIsY87fBJd4Is221zVLNXdJ3hrTH9zWKd1VdnYUxug0viK-rEGNwd9cCZXSOvfKovF_ButSI39bFb23_akQrVYpBEzt2VT/s640/14574248_171511923303681_6469540874693902336_n%25281%2529.jpg" width="586" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I hope they have good music where you are now...</td></tr>
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'Til the end of time, cub.Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-9619142870266117382019-05-05T04:08:00.002+01:002019-05-05T04:59:54.619+01:00A Celebration of Kay's Blogging Journey - Part 1.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello everyone. I mentioned in the <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2019/04/life-after-kinga-early-days.html">last post I wrote here</a>, that I was considering writing a post highlighting some of what I consider to be Kinga's best posts on this blog - and I am going to start doing that today. I envisage this being a job for more than one post - there's three years worth of content here after all. I was here from the start of this blog - we talked about this often, and I read every post before or as they came out.<br />
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I think when remembering someone, it is easy to to do so by looking exclusively through our own lens at how we saw them - to tell their story as we saw it through our eyes. It is natural to do so, in a way - we tell the world about how we saw them, because they have lost the ability to show the world who they are for themselves. Kinga, however, was a blogger - she has given herself a voice that will last long beyond her death. It is my duty to highlight this voice to as many people as are willing to listen.<br />
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I'm lucky in the regard that this blog exists - a lasting testament to who Kinga was. It shows off all of her central traits - her intelligence, beauty, creativity and passion. Further to that, it occasionally reveals her vulnerability, and her deeply veiled strength. These are the cornerstones of how I saw her - I have to wonder if the rest of the world sees her that way too.<br />
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Anyone, here are the first round of posts I would like to highlight. This isn't a list in a traditional sense - there is no order to it, or anything like that - the ones featured in this post are generally no more or less than those I will feature in other posts These are just my opinions - which come with added context from my perspective.<br />
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<h1 class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name" style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: "Playfair Display"; font-size: 26px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0.75em 0px 0px; position: relative; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2016/05/the-1-face.html">'The £1 face!'</a></span></h1>
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEoE7gZ6yeYXzetpo7Bt6LgQykThj1E1d6Gcm_P5V0nv1xzgKGNk5HsPKKRpB521c7mWLDk8SH-2fWvJ2eMj3aw4q9lNJyB_6UtPG7ntWOlI1ouaUjyPPUSHAGmA_c63Yne1zx_P-iGy3s/s1600/20160515_121309.jpg" /><br />
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Let's start off with a pretty amusing one... This was a collaboration she agreed to with a cheap Poundland type makeup brand. One of the products they sent her arrived empty! But, Kinga being Kinga she reviewed the products anyway - hiding nothing at all. The brand were not pleased at all, and they asked her very abruptly to 'remove this part of the review immediately' (or something like that - it was very authoritative!). Kinga was very much about honesty in collaborations - she would never agree to ones that demanded a positive review, went against her interests (she was forever turning down fashion collaborations especially) and she would never hide the truth from her readers. This obviously meant that she did relatively few of these. In addition to this anecdote, this is a pretty amusing and original concept for a post, and highlights her values and personality well.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2016/06/what-i-got-in-morocco-update-about-our.html">'What I got in Morocco + update about our trip!'</a></span></h1>
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi02YJnEwAff9AhRVk2je5u93Rg0heJfi2GaE35QXf8YT-u97eWG0Qf11430gqzgca4wlfhY0j5oA02e_87JhMUq24m72IIPQsMwLiBTIHuoj8PsQDZnDK1qSGzZtqjL26RLh_Zatd_-wZb/s1600/dsds.jpg" /><br />
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We went to Morocco for our 7 year anniversary, back in 2016. We both loved travelling - and wanted to travel so much more than we could ever afford to do. She alludes to it in the post - but this was a difficult holiday for us. We got lost over and over again in Marrakesh, and she was sexually harassed so many times (it is a cultural thing that really, really sucks). We were sworn at - even had stones thrown at us by some kids at one point. Her feet were also absolutely shredded by the end of the trip due to inappropriate footwear (every step was agony for her by the end). But she still found the enjoyment in it (especially when we went into the mountains - that was a truly amazing experience), and still reflected on it well. It is also notable as being the holiday where she decided to start Instagram properly - partly due to the picture above... And where she vowed to never go to another country like it (Sadly, Istanbul went off of our list of potential destinations after this).<br />
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<h1 class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name" style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: "Playfair Display"; font-size: 26px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0.75em 0px 0px; position: relative; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2017/04/why-i-lost-interest-in-blogging-how-to.html">Why I Lost Interest In Blogging & How To Get It Back</a></h1>
<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoA0vZkrAzyC5bQKYc8W3CYfipnN3vszPerzVgj58hYHxKPF0c4dVDra9_vQ06lIUO9ULCngBWvjGw7YpF91ghUDcnRPaMiStGbdYpFZDNUmnRd1zMHbqteJTBIwyazxW0EiIJNj-1DsMb/s1600/blogger1.jpg" /><br />
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This is a post that I think can be useful to just about anyone who hits a wall with anything they do that is a labour of love. She may refer specifically to blogging - but her advice translates to so many different things. In all, this post shows Kinga's determination and grit with blogging - how she managed to keep going when she lost motivation. I personally find it - and her - inspiring. She always supported me with anything I wanted to do, especially career wise... I might refer back to this post when I eventually try to put my life back together again.<br />
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<h1 class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name" style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: "Playfair Display"; font-size: 26px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0.75em 0px 0px; position: relative; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2017/10/forced-positivity-in-blogging-why-its.html">Forced Positivity In Blogging & Why It's Okay To Be Sad</a></h1>
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9oPhi5SqYnvkAptpJCe_UiPeBZgUKoKSwmRkj_el8i6UkhRgbk0lYZM8ir4BIG7WgBZ_5493KaFUYNhcYY92d-yThW5SFED0tv8f2PDEKwOQ5wxKTt_5rFXk6THqn9o4n8VnfBLJDPhrD/s1600/IMG_0170.jpg" /><br />
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Her honesty and bluntness shine in this post. She shows a willingness to break one of the chief conventions of this space. I think this might be the closest post she has to representing the Kinga I knew - someone who was an intelligent deep thinker, who stood on her own pedestal - even if she thought nobody would stand with her. She was constantly trying to improve her lot in life - to achieve something. This post highlights the struggle so many of us have - trying to gain relevance, and being deeply unhappy when we realise how small we are in reality... She words it better than I ever could.<br />
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<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2017/06/the-algarve-diaries-ocean-beaches-and.html">The Algarve Diaries! Ocean, Beaches And Dolphin Watching!</a></h1>
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9jinYO2rnAh2tdJYVskGSCX7ivNJvRpsQe7EPvEhKXVlyVfOKZj1c0VgtRwX2shdzKHw28CTAECof06j8S4QFJC3I142WzHGfIQlFc8d7_k8UYf6C-8Qrfhf6YuwF2XMIicQcxhitpyPF/s1600/try.gif" /><br />
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Another travel post (this was our 8 year anniversary), but this one is special. Kinga adored Alvor, in Algarve. She was absolutely in her element here - she loved the ocean, beaches, cocktails - the lot. I've never seen her as happy with a place as she was here. If we were scattering her ashes instead of burying them, I would scatter them here. I love this post as she describes this so much - it is a post of pure joy... To the extent where she often talked about moving here as a dream.<br />
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<u><a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2016/11/korean-beauty-haul.html">Korean beauty haul!</a></u></h1>
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I am kind of obsessed with the few videos that Kinga did. They were a lot of work, and didn't hit anything like the numbers that her posts did - so she stopped. This... This is my favourite - even though it was a skincare video (it was a running joke between us that talking about skincare would always lull me to sleep - indeed, whenever I struggled to fall asleep she would often start talking about it!). This video showcases so much of her personality. It literally oozes with it. I love it, so much. It isn't just the words - it is how she says them, and her movements. They are all her mannerisms. And it is genuine. This one is special to me.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2017/01/decorating-my-home-with-posterlounge.html">Decorating My Home with PosterLounge prints! Honest Review</a></span></h1>
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBpAGwKXqRfo7cneYpvNQCFouEU9eEu1Q-kAns18bX_ArTXgTmjTweGTNe-9-7YmwoknVQlljJLW6X_-hueuaeZS_kvlHWwPshTT53V63TsxHDahFVr3Pjo0ZKzxGEHL0V5RCbYR7n8m17/s1600/20170128_094727.jpg" /><br />
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Not much to say with this one - it was one of her best collaborations... And I still have these prints hanging in the living room of my new flat. I wouldn't have picked these (except the fox - she totally did pick that one for me), and they remind me of her every day.<br />
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<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2015/11/get-ready-with-me-autumn-night-out.html">Get ready with me - Autumn night out makeup</a></h1>
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<img height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6cr5qEHlAGK_4CAmk9cUuFl6_A7GASrKTRnSbfkCmnle_zjbOqOjAlUGbsAWtczPobD8RfUiqbj2J39cJ4h4pLuAbnxglubd-8EtA79qDHgThpRwRfdYssGfwWpvcmWxjL5xPZUKTjKRt/s640/20151dsfdf101_110620.jpg" width="640" /></div>
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This is an old one. Kinga struggled with body image all of her life (you would never believe it to look at her - she was, as anyone can tell you, stunning), and she was insanely nervous about doing this one. But she did it - she was forever pushing herself out of her comfort zone. I won't pretend to understand all the makeup talk - but I can certainly appreciate how many times she put her beautiful face in this post - especially knowing her struggles.<br />
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<a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2015/10/i-love-tea-current-favourites.html">I love tea! Current favourites =)</a></h1>
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<img height="345" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0Ue3MRAt_G2NbUzZKCXjDzTZCkvTTwv2aqsofujL194L1Yd2b00SbUo7LP2Wyyeld4Bq5ClusaHjBg4ykVAG-BV_ny_hOJUOIqqQwz4nXmY_xfYLutO4hLGzXpjvOclhRivOc5Ez090Ki/s640/1.jpg" width="640" /></div>
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Another old one. She really did love tea. I still have a cupboard full of stuff that I will never drink (I never liked the stuff!), and a tonne of quirky/cute mugs she had. Just highlights some of the most random ideas she would have for posts, and one of her more quirky passions.</div>
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Any of her Perfume posts...</h1>
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See <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2016/04/my-guide-to-celebrity-perfumes.html">here</a>, <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2017/01/winter-perfume-recommendations-2017.html">here</a>, <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2017/03/spring-perfume-recommendations-2017.html">here</a> and <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2016/03/best-perfumes-for-spring.html">here</a> for some notable ones.<br />
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Anyone who read this blog, or who knew Kinga, knew that she was an authority on perfumery. Indeed, she collected an immense amount of them - even after she started selling a few, she still had about 170 bottles at the time of her death (her mother has put them all in a glass cabinet now - it is quite a sight to behold).<br />
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I think that these posts - and there are so, so many - highlight her biggest passion. Indeed, prior to Shoes and Glitter, she started a blog called 'Aromantics' - initially to talk about just perfume, and she posted a whole host of perfume reviews on the site Fragrantica - you can see her profile <a href="https://www.fragrantica.com/member/308758/">here</a>, which includes an outdated list of her perfumes and some of her reviews. At the time of her death, she had started putting together ideas for a book on perfumery - noting that she disagreed with a lot of current perfume literature. It was her dream to have her own fragrance one day - and I have no doubt that it would have been amazing if she had done so. If there was something she didn't know about fragrances - it wasn't worth knowing. All of that knowledge is gone now, though... It is hard to truly understand how that can be.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">In conclusion...</span></div>
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There are so, so many more posts I wish to highlight, but this list is already really long. I have enough material on this blog to do three or four of these - but this will do for now.<br />
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Thank you all for continuing to read this blog. It means the world to me that Kinga has some form of legacy after her senseless and utterly pointless end. On the 29th of May it is our 10 year anniversary - we had booked to go to Cyprus... I am struggling on an immense level that I cannot even begin to describe right now - coming to terms with facing that huge milestone alone. I will probably write something around that time... But for now - thank you all for keeping the ripples of her life going, and please, never, ever forget her.Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-19407993652193521802019-04-08T00:01:00.002+01:002019-04-08T20:26:44.643+01:00"Life" after Kinga - the Early Days.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello everyone... Still seems wrong to not see posts on this blog start with 'hello jelly beans!' or similarly adorable things. It is even weirder to think that these are not her words. That these words are not filled with her energy and bursting with her personality. I hope she would be happy with my continued, more sombre posting on her blog... As I stated in the <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2019/03/shoes-and-glitter-after-kay.html">last post</a> I made here, I would like to continue posting here to keep this space alive... To keep Kinga alive.<br />
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I would like to talk today about my own experience with grief. I am still early into this journey - it is a little under four months since she was killed. I don't claim to be an expert on the topic - my head still isn't particularly straight. But I hope that this may have an impact on those who choose to read it. My message to those that haven't experience may come to understand how fragile, unpredictable and precious life is... Life is made worth living by the people around you; the rest is noise, in reality. Those who have experienced grief... Well, I have gained so much from reading your stories - and I hope you may gain some comfort from hearing my own.<br />
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Grief is something that we as a western society do not talk openly about - but almost all will experience. If we go by the 'plan', we will all say goodbye to our Grandparents, parents, pets, and potentially partners. This grief is real and can be beyond painful - but society should prepare us to expect this at some point - I'm certain nobody would dispute that it is far better for a child to bury a parent that the other way around. The thing is, despite this, people do not talk about death - leaving the majority of us completely unprepared when it strikes - even when the death has become expected. I believe that society should be more open to talking about death - accepting that it is always a possibility - to better equip people for this eventuality. My Nan was a Marie Curie nurse before she died - she would often talk about death, and it was always so awkward. After this experience - I think she had the right idea.<br />
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Kinga's death was not, however, part of the 'plan'. She was 26 - and is survived by her relatively young parents, and even a couple of Grandparents. I always thought she would outlive me, if we are being completely honest - I am actually 11 months older than her. The thought that I have lived more than she did is... Eerie at best. She was not ill. There was no hint or warning that this would happen. As readers of this blog will know - she was a careful, kind young woman, with plans, goals and ambitions - really just at the beginning her life into adulthood. She was not meant to die. All grief can come with shock: but the extremely sudden death of such a young, healthy woman adds so extra many layers to this.<br />
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Kinga was killed on a mundane, and unremarkable day - a Wednesday, no less. A reminder that any day could spell the end of your life. She was on her way to work - taking the same route she had taken for four and a half years. The day started like any other - I was working a 12 hour shift, and left the house at 6am - she was asleep. We talked via texting a little when she was getting ready - as always. The last text I received from her was simply a complaint that her route was too long (she had slightly modified her route that day - due to mud - but she was killed on part of her regular route). I didn't hear from her for a couple of hours - but didn't think too much of it at the time.<br />
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I got the call at midday on the 12th December. I was told there had been an accident and the police were coming to get me. I waited 40 minutes - the longest 40 minutes of my entire life - before the police came and told me what had happened. The rest of that day is a blur. I know that after informing her parents (out of respect for them, I shall not go into this), I went home and laid on her side of the bed a while, before feeling compelled to leave and walk up to the spot where it had happened. I remember needing to see it to believe it (I didn't see her until later on). By the time I had gotten there, the road was open - there was only an outline left to indicate anything had happened at all. My world was gone, and there was almost nothing to show that it had happened. I do remember a lot of shouting and screaming, and lashing out at inanimate objects at this time, as my brain tried to make some form of sense as to what had just happened - and fighting against completely shutting down. But it is such a blur.<br />
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I remember that as I was working late that day, I had to wait a while for my train home. Kinga would often send me to the supermarket whilst I waited - and put together a list on her phone. She wouldn't send it until literally five minutes before I was at the shop as she knew I wouldn't remember otherwise. That day was one where this was meant to happen - I later found that list on her phone, ready to be sent to me later in the day. It is strange how such a silly plan can hold so much power over you at times like this. Just a reminder that her death was not part of any 'plan' - one of many, many reminders.<br />
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At the house, there were so many more reminders. Spare shoes by the door. A cereal bowl in the sink from that morning - waiting to be washed up. Her tablet casually laid on the bed; she would watch videos whilst doing her makeup in the mornings. A crappy Disney Princess advent calendar I had bought her (something that was so bad it had made us laugh daily) - ominously ending at door 12 - never to be finished by her. She wasn't meant to die. There was no 'fate'. It wasn't her time. My head - even now - cannot understand that she has died. I know she is gone - but I don't <i>know</i> she is gone. And everything in that house was a reminder of that. When I think - really think - about the fact she is gone, I am overcome by dizziness - like my brain literally cannot comprehend what has happened. Any thoughts that extend beyond the immediate future are like daggers to my brain.<br />
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I spent a few days afterwards with Kinga's parents - going to the house only to make sure the hamster was fed. This period is such a complete blur - most of this time has been - but the earliest days... I remember almost nothing. I know that I did reach out to people - but whatever I said is a mystery to me. One thing I do remember is being inundated with official phone calls about her death. The day after I answered one from some life insurance company - ironically. Completely unrelated. Was just an example of how the world outside had continued spinning - when ours had been completely shattered. A couple of days later we all went to a supermarket, to get flowers to lay at the site of where it had happened - we were all pretty messed up at the time. It struck me as to how many normal, smiling happy people were there. How could they be happy after what had happened? Why had the world carried on like this? This was exceptionally hard to understand at the time.<br />
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For quite some time I was acting on auto-pilot. Things had to happen and I was best placed to deal with a lot of them. Debts. Funeral. Finances. Hell, I had to move house - couldn't make our rent alone. I've always been a fairly reserved guy, who found it difficult to talk to strangers - but nothing seemed hard any more. It was a complete daze. I kept thinking about how Kinga must be feeling - knowing what had happened... And then seeing me having to handle everything. She was a control freak in life - the idea of me sorting out everything after her death would have given her so much anxiety. Urgh... I miss that about her too. Just... Everything. Such a complete person - here one moment and gone the next. And the world; just robbed of her vibrance and intelligence. It is just so wrong.<br />
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But over time, things have changed a little. I function now, to a degree. I am back at work full time. There is not any part of the day where she is out of my head - not one second - but I have learned to put on a front that protects me from most triggers. It is still absolute utter Hell - but it is slightly less all-consuming now - enough that I am able to write at least. In the off chance someone comes here from a similar situation looking for support - I can highly recommend the support group WAY - Widowed and Young. This group is for people who have been widowed before their 51st birthday - people who have suffered a loss too young. It is sad that so many people are eligible for it... But I have found a great deal of support through there. I have been able to vent in a safe space - and heard from so many in my situation. If you are in crisis, I would urge you to contact Samaritans, or one of the many hotlines. I can't validate their usefulness - but they are there for a reason. The most powerful thing I have been reminded of throughout my grief is that I am not alone. Grief is the loneliest place - but it is sadly far from uncommon - even at this age.</div>
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I also have to say that people have been immensely supportive. Despite us being a pretty reserved couple (reading Kinga's blog that might surprise you), people who I have never considered close have been there and offered support. I mean - grief is Hell, there is no other word that comes close to describing it. But it has meant so much that so many have offered their genuine support when it was needed most - I know her parents feel the same way. Her funeral was very well attended - which was not fully expected, but very welcomed. It has just been immensely powerful to know that so many people have genuinely cared about her passing.</div>
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I hope you all don't mind me using this outlet to talk a little more about my own grief. It is all to do with the Kay you know and love - but perhaps less directly than my previous posts. I would like to talk more about grief - as I said, I think it may be a little constructive to do so - as well being a little cathartic for my own selfish recovery. I intend to keep posting - one post I want to do soon is to highlight some of my personal favourite posts that Kinga made here - I have read every single one that she has written when she posted them - it would be nice to bring some her writing to light again.<br />
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Thank you all again for reading; if this is your first time here, then I invite you to read some of the previous posts I have written about Kinga here: as well as the three years worth of posts Kinga made. She was an incredibly special woman, who deserved so much more than she got... Words just don't do her justice. I doubt they ever will.<br />
<br />Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-32920216296374951002019-03-15T02:24:00.000+00:002019-03-15T11:06:35.940+00:00Shoes and Glitter - after Kay<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDrgfuGL22NXz9eQQ4PIhDe8xM7rbcZN-L1rfU_LacobHEMZBegqtXVAMUL14yQr8MN9Xa438VyevEY4HchOYEok0r-uJR_5jIzuvq6-nl4gaWkAd0-6lTxu9VyKKsjkYwY16UOpEMZH5m/s1600/20160530_121154.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1440" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDrgfuGL22NXz9eQQ4PIhDe8xM7rbcZN-L1rfU_LacobHEMZBegqtXVAMUL14yQr8MN9Xa438VyevEY4HchOYEok0r-uJR_5jIzuvq6-nl4gaWkAd0-6lTxu9VyKKsjkYwY16UOpEMZH5m/s640/20160530_121154.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Hello everyone.<br />
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A good friend of mine, who has been helping me come to terms with Kinga's passing, sent me this quote a little while ago, written by the late Terry Pratchett.<br />
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“No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence.”</h1>
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It is a quote that has stuck with me. Kinga didn't get the opportunity to fully realise her dreams - hell, what 26 year old does? The further along this path of grief I get, the more I come to realise that so much of Kinga lives on only through me and her family. I have come to see myself as a caretaker of her legacy - one who has a responsibility to keep her 'ripples' moving through this world. </div>
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Whilst tending to Kinga's roadside memorial, last Tuesday (the 3rd month anniversary of her passing), a man on a motorbike stopped and spoke to me. He said he regularly drives past the memorial, and said that her death had really affected him - despite him not even knowing her name. He told me that strangers - not just him - were thinking of her. This was a really powerful interaction, that further influenced this decision.</div>
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I want - no, need - the <b>universe</b> to know her name. My life is now dedicated to this singular purpose. I am not sure precisely how I will achieve this - but I will keep talking and writing about her until the world loves her as much as I do - or until people are sick to death of hearing about her. Whichever comes first.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtsQCcFsiLYjEgoNxBYry7wbOAYRdJBsj7lfentldj5UW5RQZ_7d-M2ZwqcmEiMAVeLZKgKdh8P1AY7rPNU2BN1b35ZTNA9mTrIaKoz8pdeiqZLEJmtzqIzXC8iE55WtTOlM1DOpuALlgF/s1600/IMG_1483.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtsQCcFsiLYjEgoNxBYry7wbOAYRdJBsj7lfentldj5UW5RQZ_7d-M2ZwqcmEiMAVeLZKgKdh8P1AY7rPNU2BN1b35ZTNA9mTrIaKoz8pdeiqZLEJmtzqIzXC8iE55WtTOlM1DOpuALlgF/s640/IMG_1483.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kinga's roadside memorial, as it currently stands. The lantern lights up when it gets dark - it says ' Kinga ♡'</td></tr>
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When Kinga passed, I never imagined posting on this blog past the original memorial post - I just thought I would let it pass on into history. I knew I would continue paying for it; but I have come to realise that to truly honour her, I need to let this site live. This blog was a huge part of her life - it is here that she shared her interests, passions, hopes and vulnerabilities. To let it go is to let her go, to a degree. I am not willing to do that.</div>
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This blog will always be Kinga's blog, but I want to keep posting here, every so often. The aim behind this decision is to keep her memory alive. I may also talk about my own experience with grief - as I believe it is something that people are not willing to have discussions about, and thus utterly unprepared for. I won't be talking about makeup - anyone who remembers the <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2016/07/boyfriend-makeup-knowledge-tag.html">'Boyfriend Makeup Knowledge Tag'</a> will remember how much of a travesty that would be! Kinga was moving toward a more lifestyle based approach to blogging anyway - I doubt she would disapprove. </div>
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Plus, selfishly, writing about her gives me a degree of therapy, and helps to fill this crushing, endless silent void. But I digress.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Chilling on top of a volcano.. Yep</td></tr>
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I doubt all that many of you will continue reading into this new 'epilogue' era of Shoes and Glitter - but I thank you either way. If this is the end of your road with this blog then I understand entirely. All I can ask is that you appreciate your loved ones - without taking them for granted, and never, ever forget about Kay.</div>
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Thank you all, once again.</div>
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Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-46140728272786124822019-02-15T02:26:00.001+00:002019-02-15T20:17:14.746+00:00Kinga Głowacka - Extended Thoughts.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn2jvq9_0uS0PAQhA_khS8fE0z_LZUY2DT9sso9u7zt2SHXOOzWTxSvebJsrMZ3ox8PitlfY2d0CT4SoZxG9WM3xWJmo80RqhF6mETkbRWMg2WalieMjCIMRVw-8LBFG-oHngrUAmJIT48/s1600/DSCN0669.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn2jvq9_0uS0PAQhA_khS8fE0z_LZUY2DT9sso9u7zt2SHXOOzWTxSvebJsrMZ3ox8PitlfY2d0CT4SoZxG9WM3xWJmo80RqhF6mETkbRWMg2WalieMjCIMRVw-8LBFG-oHngrUAmJIT48/s640/DSCN0669.JPG" width="640" /></a><br />
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Hello everyone.</div>
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I doubt many of you are still reading this page. Kinga (Kay) was killed just over two months ago, and the world has kept on spinning... Not so much for myself or her family, however. The last post I put together felt a little rushed, and I don't feel like it said everything that needed saying. It was written in a daze, and I want to talk a little more about just how great this woman was... At this point, writing about her is more for me than for anyone else. That said, this is most certainly about her, and our relationship - not myself.<br />
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Shoes and Glitter has died with Kay. She built this platform, and poured her heart and soul into what it has become - a fluffy, safe space, where she shared her passions, intelligence, and vulnerability. She was not given the opportunity to achieve all of her dreams, and reach her full potential... But she gained so much from her experiences here. This blog is a testament to the person she was, and shows how much she would have achieved. We can celebrate her life - but it will always be an example of how fleeting and fragile it is - no matter how pure, amazing and kind you are, life can end at any time - at any moment.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKmQOWyF9C59Bsi6uji1efRnov4ZBQsfyPC7sRfgJpKXJmeBqFI7uhqpc_2FqkeQlr0YP-dxCXEQOPfiN4lUcvcheHqa9ItwMGocCO18P1bEkXOuf-EIjZ0vJZXWOAqygsgAb2tlv79d4_/s1600/290520092914.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKmQOWyF9C59Bsi6uji1efRnov4ZBQsfyPC7sRfgJpKXJmeBqFI7uhqpc_2FqkeQlr0YP-dxCXEQOPfiN4lUcvcheHqa9ItwMGocCO18P1bEkXOuf-EIjZ0vJZXWOAqygsgAb2tlv79d4_/s400/290520092914.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was us on our first date... So young!</td></tr>
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As I said last time, I first started 'dating' Kinga nine and a half years ago - on the 29th of May 2009. She was 16 - and I was 17. We were two broke college students, who spent all of our money just trying to see each other (we were fairly long distance for the first two years of our relationship). Most people go to restaurants, cinema, parties, etc for their first date, but we couldn't afford that! Our first date involved a walk on a beach up to a hill, and about 8 hours of conversation. We clicked instantly. We were both fairly reserved people in person - but we made each other instantly comfortable. I knew from the first time I met her that I loved her. Our date may sound pedestrian, but it was absolutely perfect in every way.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kay, looking beautiful, in our first flat together.</td></tr>
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We were young, but our relationship, whilst not without it's troubles, was always strong, despite our age. We never broke up, or had one of those infamous 'breaks' We grew up together - we spent over a third of our lives together. We moved in whilst we were both at university - living in Plymouth for a time (which meant a two and half hour commute to university for me - the things you do for love!). We continued living together for seven years up until her death.<br />
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Kinga never felt or did anything half way. She was either all in, or not interested - and it was usually the former. She was an intense and passionate woman. I think her passion in particular shows in this blog - the thought and care she put into every single post - especially her pictures are plain to see. Kinga's favourite quote was (I don't know the sourc<span style="font-family: inherit;">e) '</span><span style="color: #1a1a1b;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Do not rely on motivation for anything.<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span>It is fleeting and unreliable. Discipline, however, is unyielding'. I think that is the key to all of her successes in her short life - and would have been the key to her future success.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCLzJYcrmTXXTDZdq25Cfvp23Vu1-U2VQWBnctKDd_1Ae0mpXDRIh3E3B-8qPd2N-JC5Uyoc8LMWqCQcdaTth_9OcTKKShXysrF37hrAlk_Fwkjaw48BkF6GOPofHXoMBJ-COpVHqpuBya/s1600/20160530_122139.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCLzJYcrmTXXTDZdq25Cfvp23Vu1-U2VQWBnctKDd_1Ae0mpXDRIh3E3B-8qPd2N-JC5Uyoc8LMWqCQcdaTth_9OcTKKShXysrF37hrAlk_Fwkjaw48BkF6GOPofHXoMBJ-COpVHqpuBya/s640/20160530_122139.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On our holiday in Marrakesh, 2016. She blogged about this one early on.</td></tr>
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Kinga was many things; but I think everyone knew her for her fierce intelligence. She was forever one step ahead of all of us in life – frustratingly so! Nothing got by her. She came to this country without knowing a word English and learnt it well enough to get a B in GCSE English in her first year here - I know many native speakers who didn’t do even close to that well - a year in and she was already putting us natives to shame. She excelled at anything she put her mind to – be it her job, university, her blog, her relationships, or even just having fun. No problem was too small for her – she was such a perfectionist, that it almost drove her mad. But it made her who she was.<br />
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The side that you are less likely to see, is that she was totally bad ass, and had an amazing hidden strength to her. She didn't always appear that way - she was a beautiful, anxious, loving person with many insecurities - some of which she shared in this space - but she would always stick up for herself and people she cared about it ways you can't help but admire. She would never take crap from anyone... I think if she knew what had happened to her, she would be beyond pissed off before she felt sad about it.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our holiday in Tenerife, 2018. This was the dress she wore at the funeral. She loved this holiday so much.</td></tr>
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I could talk about Kinga all day. She has been my world for almost a decade. I thought she would be my future, as well. We had planned to have children, once our careers were sorted (we had guessed two years from now - we thought we had time). We were going to travel more - we had just booked our 10 year anniversary trip to Cyprus. We had always wanted to go to Iceland - to see whales... She also wanted to go to the blue lagoon, because of course she did! She always wanted to go to Australia - to see the Great Barrier Reef (before it died). I can't say that she loved life - the daily grind definitely got her down - but she loved so many parts of life, and and always looked forward to them.<br />
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Also, I would just like to remind you all the Kinga did film a few videos - her youtube channel is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoBr6drfmFcfkyyIwLacesg/videos">here</a>. I find them hard - but comforting to watch... She was so magnetic in them.<br />
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<b> Considerations....</b></h3>
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There are things I want every single person who reads this to think about. Kinga's death was completely senseless and will never have meaning. It is the kind of event that should make people - even strangers - re-evaluate their life, and behaviour. Kinga did nothing wrong in this accident - I cannot speak to the circumstances but I strongly believe there was nothing she could have done to prevent this accident.<br />
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- <b>Treasure </b>your loved ones. It is a cliche thing to say 'live every day as if it is your last'. You never think tragedy is going to strike you. But any day could be your last. Life is just noise - it is important to remember what is important in life. Getting wrapped up in stresses and material worries is time wasted.<br />
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- When you say <b>goodbye</b> to your loved ones - even just for work - think about how you would feel if that was the last time you saw them. I can't remember my last moments with Kinga - I was half asleep, having gotten up at 5.30am for work, when I last saw her alive. I would normally kiss her goodbye - but I was so out of it that I don't remember doing it. That haunts me.<br />
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-<b>If you drive</b>, never take that for granted. Don't drive if you are unfit to do so - no matter how important it may seem. If you are too tired, under the influence of anything - don't be stupid. Find another way.<br />
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- <b>Always look at the damn road</b>. It may sound trivial, but if everybody did this, there would be far less death on the road. I doubt the driver who ended her life is an evil villain - as much as I want him to be. He is likely a normal person, who got too cocky on the road, and someone else paid the price for his gross negligence. If you drive, you should be 100% focused on the road at all times.<br />
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This is the real world consequence of one man's idiocy.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyspVA5VpkcgcFWLw_cBvy02A9Jn5t1hunEtS4rsioD2WHBmAWrNrHYczEzxrlxLDOzsKHMiWc9N-iSraxYjVIACcuGhNxeyf7I_ItVMNF_MaIaQZKX_jwnSu2HQXZDKG8D1B95snYmeDv/s1600/IMG_1245.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyspVA5VpkcgcFWLw_cBvy02A9Jn5t1hunEtS4rsioD2WHBmAWrNrHYczEzxrlxLDOzsKHMiWc9N-iSraxYjVIACcuGhNxeyf7I_ItVMNF_MaIaQZKX_jwnSu2HQXZDKG8D1B95snYmeDv/s640/IMG_1245.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Where it happened. Some of the flowers were used for her blog pictures.</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUfD09QX5dMseehbH2dIToWByQ-1R5M6AX1SL6jehh39Nx9KRmBEdcNnGuE9AefmeEZUx_Efcx79k80Uq7oRH4vOGQtvAJ_K-RkTNcqvs7tbiK_NiHSuBdq25MfUtLEbZuLnV7bl4d_bpv/s1600/20190109_140746.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUfD09QX5dMseehbH2dIToWByQ-1R5M6AX1SL6jehh39Nx9KRmBEdcNnGuE9AefmeEZUx_Efcx79k80Uq7oRH4vOGQtvAJ_K-RkTNcqvs7tbiK_NiHSuBdq25MfUtLEbZuLnV7bl4d_bpv/s400/20190109_140746.jpg" width="300" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfulxJVUNqZtrKBjy-w_UttJ1KXgq5zzxwWbY2aqfSLOOErpT98dU69_7NuDi3QYl7xizAnVjFMvlPvnI3fKbgJ3Le2-9WZJbYYLaTh9EVjz_HaiKH2LYbzVKVzNG8v258cixBJp_YzqbD/s1600/IMG_1032.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfulxJVUNqZtrKBjy-w_UttJ1KXgq5zzxwWbY2aqfSLOOErpT98dU69_7NuDi3QYl7xizAnVjFMvlPvnI3fKbgJ3Le2-9WZJbYYLaTh9EVjz_HaiKH2LYbzVKVzNG8v258cixBJp_YzqbD/s400/IMG_1032.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>
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I wrote and read a list poem at her funeral. My thoughts are difficult to express - even now. This helped, somewhat. Even this doesn't really say it, but it is something. I would like to share it here.</div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss everything about you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss your piercing blue eyes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss your overwhelming beauty and your ever-changing fashion sense.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss always looking forward to our evenings and weekends together.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss falling asleep with you every night and waking up with you every morning.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss our spontaneous adventures to random places that we’ve never heard of.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss wading through a muddy field just to go and see a cute Shetland pony or tiny ‘teacup’ cow.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss going blackberry picking and making terrible jam.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss using our made up language, and talking about things in a ridiculously childlike </span><span style="font-size: 18px;">voice.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss getting drunk with you and trying to educate each other on what is definitive music taste.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss arguing with you about nonsense, and always making up the same day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss cuddling with you and intentionally watching every bad Nicolas Cage film that exists.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss your love for anything that was cute – and your hoarding of cuddly toys (they have feelings, remember!)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss your insistence that unicorns are real – and that you were always going to see one someday.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss spontaneously deciding to go to Tesco’s for wine, because why the hell not, you only live once.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss our holidays – the only time you would fully relax and enjoy life to it’s full.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss your surprisingly dark sense of humour, and the way we used to laugh about things no one else would find funny.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss calling it ridiculous when you called yourself a ‘hamster mum’ – Cinnamon Roll misses you too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss hearing about the most mundane things and stories you had found, that you just had to tell me as a priority.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss doing the same to you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss always having each other to talk to, no matter how bad things got. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss our plans for the future, everything we could and would have had.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss the immense amount of love you had for those closest to you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss your passion, and your burning ambition.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I miss my best friend, my lover, and my entire world.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I wish that you weren’t ripped away from us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">I wish you were here.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Kinga Głowacka<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">13/08/1992-12/12/2018<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Never, ever forget her.</span></div>
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<br />Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-79079186204102032572019-01-17T16:20:00.001+00:002019-01-17T18:29:28.501+00:00In Memory of Kinga Glowacka (Kay)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCSsbVxdOObAvq6riCxylfRG2cVrMbmVY-iuLAK_Mm4oxfN0BL4zDpT2dcyXsZJPSDBnmiJp90t8bXnfFmf___6XWbmsofc5reFm5hbqiguiXpYwfdQU-tyJPFpcuNM8b_op3DDrcwcWnQ/s1600/SDC10707.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="400" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCSsbVxdOObAvq6riCxylfRG2cVrMbmVY-iuLAK_Mm4oxfN0BL4zDpT2dcyXsZJPSDBnmiJp90t8bXnfFmf___6XWbmsofc5reFm5hbqiguiXpYwfdQU-tyJPFpcuNM8b_op3DDrcwcWnQ/s640/SDC10707.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you follow Kinga's twitter, you will know that she was involved in a fatal accident on the 12th December 2018. She was only 26. I am her partner, Sakima, and I wanted to put together a final post for her blog. I apologise for the delay in putting this together - it has been an insanely hectic and difficult time since her passing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Kinga, or Kay as you all know her, loved blogging, and the blogging community - it gave her an outlet and a sense of purpose. She dreamed of doing this for a living someday - growing her brand and working in this industry. Her dream was to one day create her own perfume range (anyone who follows her here will know how much she loved and hoarded perfumes). She was always so driven, and I have no doubt she would have gotten there one day.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXvNK5tE4u3b5uSASFOWgwFi5BCslKrPhtGhHcOrf4LT0T80GN-YvuCFCPAyhOghu93EQNiW4bd8z8HOcHeQNgIJT_Hiuo42s0L4KBoU2NnjKHIy-cQyou-BdgCGwguNp07dmt6IzW6h54/s1600/20160529_081016.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1440" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXvNK5tE4u3b5uSASFOWgwFi5BCslKrPhtGhHcOrf4LT0T80GN-YvuCFCPAyhOghu93EQNiW4bd8z8HOcHeQNgIJT_Hiuo42s0L4KBoU2NnjKHIy-cQyou-BdgCGwguNp07dmt6IzW6h54/s640/20160529_081016.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I met Kinga nine and half years ago, when she was 16, and I was 17. We grew up together, essentially. Words cannot do justice to my own feelings about her - and many of those thoughts are for her ears alone. She was a truly wonderful woman, who has left a hole in mine, and her family's life that will never be filled. She is survived by her parents, and younger brother. And a hamster, of course... She loved her Cinnamon Roll.</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Kinga was
always happiest when we had a holiday booked; and we had just booked our 10
year anniversary trip to Cyprus in May. She would have continued with her passion to
create things – she had just started putting together a book on perfume. According to
her plan, she was about two years away from becoming a mother – we are all robbed of seeing the amazing, wonderful
woman she was destined to become. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0T8KHO9EM2hhQXP5f57rJLegZRmGDw2gJAdhVTRaJEBcmMaqgCMLxwG_t_rPkUGQu-T_P1XmJpDES-DvOXNq6so4soDLLQnwJQMYIm8dX7blvIcnQuI-9TZyfdXcrQgkKEiZKk8y57DO_/s1600/DSCN0407.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0T8KHO9EM2hhQXP5f57rJLegZRmGDw2gJAdhVTRaJEBcmMaqgCMLxwG_t_rPkUGQu-T_P1XmJpDES-DvOXNq6so4soDLLQnwJQMYIm8dX7blvIcnQuI-9TZyfdXcrQgkKEiZKk8y57DO_/s640/DSCN0407.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If anyone wants to see the official press release (I wrote this as well) then you can find it here. It provides slightly more detail about the accident. https://www.avonandsomerset.police.uk/news/2019/01/family-of-cyclist-who-died-in-wick-st-lawrence-release-tribute/?fbclid=IwAR2jvnBytqwJdNqGgbPlWOM_4OtEvEi-ZXm_cnEbfu0oL0LZnYmU_o8N8Bk</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Below are some tributes that have been left by some of her blogging friends. I thank anyone who contributed to this. If anyone else has a tribute to add, feel free to leave a comment.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><u><b>Mira Sophie (@Mira113)</b></u></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="color: #14171a; white-space: pre-wrap;">Kay was one of the first bloggers I truly connected with and I always enjoyed reading her blog so much. It was through her that I got to know the blogging community and made many friends on here and I will always be grateful for that </span><img alt="❤️" aria-label="Emoji: Heavy red heart" class="Emoji Emoji--forText" draggable="false" src="https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/72x72/2764.png" style="border: 0px; color: #14171a; height: 1.25em; padding: 0px 0.05em 0px 0.1em; vertical-align: -0.2em; white-space: pre-wrap; width: 1.25em;" title="Heavy red heart" /><span style="color: #14171a; white-space: pre-wrap;"> She was one of the best people who followed my blog and her encouragement meant the world. She will be dearly missed in the blogging community.</span></i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #14171a; font-family: "segoe ui" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><u>Leta (@TheNerdyMeBlog)</u></b></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #14171a; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Kay was one of the first people I've met in the blogging community. She was such a lovely, warm and special soul. I remember talking with her about literally everything from our similar origin to blogging world. I cannot explain how much I cared for her as a friend. She always supported me, showed love and caring, made me feel included and like I belong to a community, like a had a close friend that will always stand by me even if I have never met her in a real life. For that I will be forever thankful. Some time has already passed but I am still in a deep denial. I simply cannot believe that Kay is no longer here with us. She will no longer reply to me on any social media, she will no longer be able to show her support and I will no longer be able to get inspired or learn something new from her. Most importantly, I will not be able to actually meet her in real life. This is heartbreaking truth that I do not want to accept. But I sincerely hope that Kay is in a good place now, that she is not in pain, that she is smiling and looking at all us from above with the same kind and big hearth that we all know she had. You will always be in my heart, Kay. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><u>Thefashionfolks (@thefashionfolks)</u></b></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #14171a; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I'm so grateful to have had her as a blogfriend and grateful for the bonding through fashion and beauty. She has encouraged me immensely through the years and for that I'm ever so thankful. She had a lovely way of spreading happiness and her presence online will truly be missed by me and many more in the blogging community - no doubt about it. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><u>Nadia (@MielandMint)</u></b></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #14171a; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Kay, where do I even start…
I miss you.
From the moment we started blogging around the same time 3-4 years ago, we connected and have been there for each other.
Not only supporting each other’s creativity, but being friends and getting to know each other.
I am so lucky we got to chat on Skype as well - you were so lovely and bubbly.
You’re such a ray of sunshine, Kay. You’ve made such a massive impact on so many people in the blogging community.
You will not be forgotten by everyone who you became friends with.
Thank you for your friendship and for always being so wonderful and sweet.
You are so so missed by myself, your friends and your loved ones.
Sending you heaps of love… and thank you so much for being my friend. You will always stay in my heart and memories. xxxxxxxxxx</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #14171a; white-space: pre-wrap;">And finally <b><u>Hannah E. Padilla (@im_hannaheunice) </u></b>posted her own tribute post on her blog. You can find it here: </span><span style="color: #14171a; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>https://hannahthemaddog.com/rest-in-peace-kay/</i> Below is an extract:</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Her passion for blogging and taking photos showed, and it inspired so many others. I was <span style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">always</span> looking forward to her next post. Despite how well-known she was in the blogosphere, with a fairly large following on Bloglovin’ and Twitter…she was just one of the nicest bloggers I knew. She never let the popularity, tags, etc.get to her head and she still went out of her way to get to know you, reply to your comment and comment on your blog back. Once bloggers reach to a point where they think they “made it”, they don’t bother. Not Kay. </i></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #14171a; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; white-space: normal;">The outpouring of grief from the community has been overwhelming, and I just want to thank everyone on behalf of myself and her family for their messages of support (her family have read them). </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /><br />If any of you wish to stay in contact for any reason - or see more pictures, you are welcome to add me on Facebook (Sakima Branch) - I know a couple of people have asked. Just message me before you do so I know who you are. I intend to keep paying for this domain, and keep this blog up indefinitely. I may add another post when her headstone is ready, or perhaps for more thoughts. But this is it for now. Thank you all for supporting Kinga through her 3 year journey with this blog - I know it gave her much comfort and support when times became harder for her. </span></span><span style="background-color: #e6ecf0; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
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<br />Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-29237410297990090642018-11-18T14:40:00.000+00:002018-11-18T14:40:25.256+00:00The ultimate Christmas perfume gift guide for every taste!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello, my loves! It truly feels like the Christmas season starts earlier every year, doesn't it? We're still in November and so many of us are already putting up Christmas decorations, trees; even advent calendars have been on sale since September! Some of you may already be thinking about gift ideas, and perfumes are always a popular choice for Christmas. Fragrances make wonderful gifts, although it can be difficult to pick the right one, especially considering how many options there are to choose from! Today, I thought I'd put together a little guide that will hopefully help you to pick the perfect fragrance. Hope you enjoy!<br />
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<b>Nina Ricci <i>L'Air du Temps</i> - for the vintage lover </b><i>(eau de toilette, £29 for 50ml, Fragrance Direct)</i><br />
Whilst I absolutely adore this classic, timeless design; it's the concept behind <i>L'Air du Temps</i> that I think would make this a very special Christmas gift. The fragrance was launched in 1948, shortly after the World War II. The two doves on the top are a symbol of peace, whilst the scent itself was intended to reflect the aura of hope and optimism - something that was very much needed at the time. The scent itself is vintage, floral and spicy - very unique and classic!<br />
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<b>Chloe <i>Love Story</i> - for the one and only</b><i> (eau de parfum, £47 for 30ml, The Perfume Shop)</i><br />
If you are looking for a Christmas fragrance for your better-half, I honestly couldn't recommend this one enough. Everything about <i>Love Story</i> emanates romance - the bottle design is elegant and slightly vintage; inspired by the love padlocks on the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris. The scent itself is clean and inoffensive; combining notes of orange blossom and jasmine <i>(a flower that's commonly used in wedding bouquets)</i>. It smells feminine, floral and incredibly delicate.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1SObVUh2t-ftU2BeU8slJyQzZCjQJSLip2b39VEFHzLZKCHgNHnHsazvwpsur034EME6cC966kmZK4ycFeZlqrWfudVMC71mXH_oOj7tamaE2ToElOZXA37rXUmaWovcVc-ah6KsHztF4/s1600/fragrance2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="763" data-original-width="1063" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1SObVUh2t-ftU2BeU8slJyQzZCjQJSLip2b39VEFHzLZKCHgNHnHsazvwpsur034EME6cC966kmZK4ycFeZlqrWfudVMC71mXH_oOj7tamaE2ToElOZXA37rXUmaWovcVc-ah6KsHztF4/s1600/fragrance2.jpg" /></a></div>
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<b>Anna Sui <i>Fantasia</i> - for the unicorn-chaser<i> </i></b><i>(eau de toilette, £33 for 30ml, Boots)</i><br />
According to Anna Sui, this perfume<i> 'speaks to the dreams and aspirations we had as children, that remain with us somewhere down deep, even as adults'</i>. I think that makes for a lovely fragrance concept, especially since the bottle is already so beautiful and enchanting. The scent itself makes me think of a big basket of freshly picked citruses, with a hint of sugary sweetness. It's not particularly unique, but rather simple, likeable, and easy to enjoy on any occasion.<br />
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<b>Dior<i> J'Adore L'Absolu</i></b> - <b>for the luxury lover</b> <i>(eau de parfum, £83 for 75ml, John Lewis)</i><br />
<i>L'Absolu</i> is a heavier, more luxurious version of the original bestseller - <i>J'Adore</i>. This edition smells like an expensive bouquet of fresh, white flowers. The composition combines exotic notes of jasmine, ylang-ylang and tuberose, with a slight hint of woods and dried fruits. It's more sophisticated and mature than the original <i>J'Adore</i>; whilst still warm, likeable and easy to wear. The bottle is gorgeous and expensive-looking, making it a wonderful Christmas gift idea.<br />
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<b>Dior <i>Miss Dior Cherie</i> - for the hopeless romantic</b> <i>(eau de parfum, £54 for 30ml, Boots) </i><br />
<i>Miss Dior Cherie </i>needs no introduction - this is one of the most popular, best-selling fragrances of the last decade. It's universally loved, and a pretty safe bet that whoever you buy it for will absolutely adore it. <i>Miss Dior Cherie</i> smells feminine and sophisticated; but there is also something very playful and flirty about it. The scent combines notes of juicy strawberries, soft jasmine and dark oakmoss, which gives it a slight earthy-woodsy feel.<br />
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<b>Givenchy <i>Very Irresistible L'Intense</i> - for the alternative queen</b><i> (eau de parfum, £45 for 50ml, Boots)</i><br />
This perfume smells like a cosy winter evening in a bottle. It's dark, mysterious, and a little edgy. The composition brings together the scent of ripe, juicy plums on the bed of delicate roses; with a sharp, earthy patchouli undertone. It's a unique composition of seemingly contrasting accords, which come together beautifully to create a truly memorable fragrance. Definitely recommend this if you're looking for something captivating and non-mainstream!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJFhcXP0QnEMgnDI3yR0_ZF4T2lGv8W5gY3MEjRClpepIaFzxIrp4lmExDN0BZwKHRQJ2ukcODFdaMlJqrdRo6iOHOKR7hWHSC_tFliHFGM11-XVfimcNKfrhAE2vdSPRdvEr6CgiKPB3Z/s1600/fragrance4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="758" data-original-width="1100" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJFhcXP0QnEMgnDI3yR0_ZF4T2lGv8W5gY3MEjRClpepIaFzxIrp4lmExDN0BZwKHRQJ2ukcODFdaMlJqrdRo6iOHOKR7hWHSC_tFliHFGM11-XVfimcNKfrhAE2vdSPRdvEr6CgiKPB3Z/s1600/fragrance4.jpg" /></a></div>
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<b>Gucci <i>Flora Eau Fraiche</i> - for the free spirit</b> <i>(eau de toilette, £39 for 75ml, Fragrance Direct) </i><br />
Whilst lovely as a Christmas gift, this perfumes really is the essence of spring captured in a bottle. Delicate and fresh, like a cool morning breeze; with lush, sweet-smelling citrus notes of mandarin and kumquat. <i>Flora Eau Fraiche</i> is incredibly zesty and uplifting, whilst still distinctively feminine. Smelling it like enjoying a glass of freshly poured iced green tea on a warm spring evening, in a garden of blossoming peonies. A must have for any lovers of fresh, carefree scents!<br />
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<b>Prada<i> Infusion D'Iris</i> - for the ambitious achiever</b><i> (eau de parfum, £57 for 50ml, Boots)</i><br />
This scent is like a fragrant definition of class and elegance. Simple, modern and fresh - this isn't your typical crowd-pleaser. The composition is a clean, straight-up iris - crisp and cold. The iris in this smells very 'pure', not powdery like in many other mainstream scents. It's accompanied by fresh citrus accords, as well as hints of incense and benzoin in the base. It smells elegant and sophisticated, yet simple and uncomplicated. Perfect if you're looking for something more unique.<br />
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<b>Juicy Couture <i>Viva La Juicy Rosé</i> - for the lively teenager</b> <i>(eau de parfum, £24 for 30ml, The Perfume Shop)</i><br />
This is a more sparkling, fresh and 'pink' version of the original <i>Viva La Juicy</i>, which some of you may be familiar with. It smells so bubbly and fizzy, like a glass of freshly poured champagne <i>(which would match the name 'Rosé', referring to rosé wine, as opposed to a rose flower)</i>, on the bed of delicate peony flowers. It's youthful, vibrant and uplifting, and I think that the sparkling, glitter-coated bottle matches the scent very well - plus it will look great on any vanity!<br />
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<b>Viktor&Rolf <i>BonBon</i> - for the sugar addict</b> <i>(eau de parfum, £75 for 50ml, Boots)</i><br />
This is, hands down, one of the most delicious perfumes I've ever smelled. If I had to sum it up in one sentence, I'd say that it smells like a yummy caramel dessert with thick slices of juicy peach on top. <i>BonBon</i> is girly, likeable, and very, very sweet. Caramel is definitely the main note here, surrounded by a colourful palette of fruity-floral accords. This fragrance honestly smells good enough to eat, and I couldn't recommend it enough - it would be a lovely gift for anyone with a sweet tooth!<br />
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<i>Do you gift fragrances for Christmas? What are your favourites?</i><br />
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Hello, my jelly beans! Today, I am very excited to share with you a review of the brand new fragrance by <b>Nina Ricci</b> - <i><b>Bella</b> (£38 for a 30ml bottle, Boots)</i>. It's been a while since <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2018/04/take-walk-on-dark-side-kat-von-d-sinner.html">my last perfume review</a>, as to be honest - I haven't been buying as many new fragrances lately. I am quite happy with my collection as it is now, so whenever I buy a new perfume, it's only because I <i>really</i> want it. I've always been a huge fan of Nina Ricci fragrances, and when I saw this gorgeous bottle, I simply could not resist! Today, I will be sharing with you my honest thoughts on this scent. Does it smell as beautiful and enchanting as it looks? Let's find out together! </div>
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Nina Ricci 'Bella'</h3>
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<b><i>Bella</i></b> is advertised as a fresh, fruity-floral perfume that's <i>'tangy, vibrant, bold and seductive'</i> all at the same time. It's a continuation of Nina Ricci's main, iconic line of apple-shaped fragrances, the first one of which was the beautiful Nina <i>(one of my all-time favourites) </i>in 2006. <i>Bella</i> is more of a lively, fresh take on the original scent; captured in a gorgeous, green apple-shaped bottle with a golden cap. This perfume is available as 30ml, 50ml and 80ml eau de toilette. The main notes of the fragrance include rhubarb, green citrus, rose jelly and vanilla.</div>
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What does it really smell like?</h3>
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<i>Bella </i>is a juicy, lively floral with a twist. It opens with a vibrant burst of<b> rhubarb </b>and<b> zesty green notes</b>, which make me think of fresh citrus peel. Rhubarb is such an interesting accord, and not something that you see <i>(or smell!)</i> very often, especially in mainstream perfumes. It's raw, crisp and tart, and really brightens up the whole composition, giving it a sparkling, youthful vibe. These strong, zesty opening notes are then wrapped in warm, floral <b>rose</b> notes<i> (I'm not sure what 'rose jelly' is supposed to be, but I can definitely smell some fresh roses)</i>, with <b>soft musk</b> and <b>sweet vanilla </b>lingering in the background. Although very fresh, there is definitely something warm, green and almost herbal about this composition. It smells pretty, charming and uncomplicated, whilst still very memorable and interesting.</div>
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Projection and longevity</h3>
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In terms of projection and lasting power,<i> Bella</i> offers the same quality as most other Nina Ricci perfumes. The scent is quite strong at first, but it quickly mellows out leaving you with a zesty, warm, green fragrance lingering on your skin for many hours. The scent disappears after about six to seven hours of wear, and you only need a couple of sprays for full projection. </div>
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The verdict</h3>
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Overall, I thoroughly enjoy<i> Bella</i> and would recommend it to anyone who likes perfumes that are fresh, zesty, juicy<i> (but not overly sweet);</i> easy to wear but still memorable. I do think that it might be more suitable to wear during warmer months because of how fresh and vibrant it smells - in fact, I think that <i>Bella </i>would make the perfect spring-time scent. The price is a little high<i> (£38 for a 30ml bottle)</i>, but you you can find it much cheaper online - I bought mine for just £25. The green bottle matches the fragrance very well, and it would be lovely as a fragrant Christmas gift. An honest<b><i> 9/10</i></b> for me! </div>
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Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-56380208117921512922018-10-23T19:08:00.001+01:002018-10-24T10:16:40.994+01:00Unpopular beauty opinions<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello, my loves! Today, I thought I'd do something a little different, and share my take on the <b><i>'Unpopular Beauty Opinions'</i></b> tag. I've first spotted this tag on the lovely <a href="http://www.beaumiroir.com/2018/10/unpopular-beauty-opinions.html">Lulle's blog</a>, although it was originally created by a couple of fellow YouTubers. I think it's a really fun tag - it's interesting to learn about other people's unique perspective on makeup and current trends; and who knows, maybe you'll find that your opinion isn't so unpopular, after all! I encourage you all to try this tag, and for now, here are my answers to the tag questions. Hope you enjoy!<br />
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<a name='more'></a><b><i>Popular makeup products you don't like</i></b><br />
I am not sure whether these are actually popular anymore, but I could never stand the <b><i>Baby Lips</i></b> range by <b>Maybelline</b>. I used to see these lip balms advertised everywhere back in the day, so I tried a couple <i>(seemed worth a shot for the low price point!)</i>, and it ended up being a complete disappointment. They feel waxy, artificial and do not hydrate the lips at all. I know a lot of people that enjoy these, though, so it could just be my lips. And don't even get me started on their<i> Baby Skin</i> primer, which gave me breakouts and made my skin ten times more oily than it already is...! I now make a point to always steer clear of anything in the <i>Baby</i> range.<br />
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<b><i>Popular makeup product/brand that everyone else seems to hate but you love</i></b><br />
I probably wouldn't call it a <i>'hated</i>' brand, as it definitely seems to sell very well, but maybe quite controversial -<b> Jeffree Star Cosmetics</b>. I don't want to get too much into the drama and controversy behind Jeffree Star himself, but personally, I really enjoy his makeup products. The quality is always top-notch whilst the price point isn't completely ridiculous. The <i>Velour</i> lipstick range is the only liquid lipstick formula that doesn't completely dry out my lips, all whilst being highly pigmented and long-lasting.<br />
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<b><i>Makeup collab you didn't like or weren't interested in</i></b><br />
Pretty much any major YouTuber collabs <i>(there are so many that I can hardly keep up with them all)</i>, although I would also like to mention the <a href="https://colourpop.com/collections/disney-designer"><i><b>Disney x ColourPop</b></i></a> collab that recently blew up on social media. Don't get me wrong, I think that it's an amazing collab idea, and I was so excited when I first found out about it. The <a href="https://colourpop.com/products/belle">lipstick range</a> is absolutely stunning<i> (each one named after a Disney princess)</i>, and I really love the look of the <a href="https://colourpop.com/products/part-of-your-world">highlighters</a>, but there were parts of the collab that seemed quite underwhelming - namely the <a href="https://colourpop.com/products/its-a-princess-thing">eyeshadow palette</a>. It just looks a little bit... Meh? I was definitely expecting something more whimsical, magical and fairytale-like!<br />
<i><b><br /></b></i><i><b>Popular makeup step that you never do</b></i><br />
Definitely contouring. I've tried it a couple of times, but am completely useless at it. I love to admire a good contour on someone else, but don't attempt it myself anymore. I also find that it's incredibly time-consuming, and just doesn't seem worth the hassle when I'm already pressed for time in the mornings!<br />
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<i><b>Popular beauty influencer you don’t subscribe to/watch</b></i><br />
To be honest, I hardly watch any. It might just be my impression, but I think that the beauty community on YouTube is a little toxic, saturated with drama, controversies and focused on the wrong things. It seems that people are constantly trying to one-up each other, 'exposing' one another and what not, instead of focusing on why they started a beauty channel in the first place. Personally, I get most of my makeup knowledge and news from fellow beauty bloggers that I regularly visit and keep in touch with. We're a fairly small, but very tight-knit community!<br />
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<i><b>Popular makeup product/brand that you don’t use/support anymore</b></i><br />
I honestly can't think of a specific brand that I wouldn't 'support' anymore, although there are many makeup products that I used to love, but haven't used in a very long time. For example, taking a look at my <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2015/09/whats-in-my-makeup-bag.html">'What's in my makeup bag?'</a> post from 2015 (the cringe!), I no longer use any of the products I mentioned back then - even though I used to swear by every single one, back in the day!<br />
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<b><i>Makeup trend that you have no interest in trying</i></b><br />
I know that this isn't really a 'trend' anymore, but do you loves remember when people on YouTube would apply their makeup with all sorts of objects instead of actual makeup brushes? We've seen everything from craft supplies, food, to more questionable items... So yeah, that. On a more serious note, it would probably be most modern eyebrow trends <i>(for instance, shaping your brows with concealer)</i> - I am still stuck in the early 00's when it comes to doing my brows, plus I am completely useless at it! So, whilst I love to admire a good Instagram brow, I always stick to the very basics when doing my own.<br />
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<b><i>Makeup product that was better in theory than when you used it. Either swatched better or worked better on others than on you</i></b><br />
It has to be the <a href="https://www.bourjois.com/uk/product/face/healthy-mix-anti-fatigue-foundation-50-rose-ivory"><b>Bourjois</b> <i><b>Healthy Mix</b></i> foundation</a>! So many people swear by this foundation, and nearly all reviews I've read have been incredibly positive. However, on my skin, this foundation was an utter fail. It looked greasy, patchy and kept sliding off my face - seems that my skin really has a thing against it! Another one would be the <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2018/09/anastasia-beverly-hills-norvina.html"><b>Anatasia Beverly Hills</b> <i><b>Norvina</b></i></a> eyeshadow palette - it's a gorgeous palette full of gorgeous, whimsical, pigmented shades. However, it is also one of the most fragile formulas I've ever tried. You have to be so careful dipping into these eyeshadows, because they make a mess and cause <i>a lot</i> of fallout. They do look so pretty when applied, though!<br />
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Hope you've enjoyed this post! If you do end up doing this tag, please be sure to let me know, as I'd love to check it out!<br />
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<i>What are your unpopular beauty opinions? </i><br />
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Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-19949684290513316792018-10-17T21:02:00.001+01:002018-10-17T21:02:48.469+01:00Problem skin saviour? CHOBS Centella Asiatica serum review<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello, my loves! Today, I am very excited to be bringing you a review of the organic <b><i>Centella Asiatica serum</i></b> by a Korean skincare brand, <b>CHOBS<i> </i></b><i>(£46 for a 30ml bottle, LoveLula)</i>. It's super rare that I do dedicated skincare reviews here on<i> Shoes and Glitter</i>, but this little serum has been a game-changer <i>(<u>not</u> sponsored)</i>, so I really wanted to talk to you lovelies about it. I am by no means a skincare expert <i>(this title goes to my favourite skincare bloggers, like <a href="http://lindalibraloca.com/">Anne</a>!)</i>, but I know what works for my skin and I will do my best to share with you loves an honest review. Hope you enjoy!<br />
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<a name='more'></a>What it promises</h3>
The <i>Centella Asiatica</i> serum by CHOBS is a fully cruelty-free and vegan skincare product that comes with a long list of claims. It contains <b>95% organic raw ingredients</b>, with over 90% centella asiatica leaf water <i>(which has been seeing a lot of hype in the blogosphere lately!)</i>. Other ingredients include chamomile water and green tea extract, I'm always happy to see as it often works wonders for problematic, acne-prone skin. The serum contains no colourants, silicon oil, preservatives or synthetic fragrance. It is supposedly suitable for all skin types, and promises to:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #6a6a6a; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; font-weight: bold;">❤ </span>boost hydration<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #6a6a6a; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; font-weight: bold;">❤ </span>restore damaged skin<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #6a6a6a; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; font-weight: bold;">❤ t</span>ighten skin texture<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #6a6a6a; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; font-weight: bold;">❤ </span>soothe sensitive and irritated skin<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #6a6a6a; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; font-weight: bold;">❤ </span>bring radiance to stressed skin<br />
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And whilst I am no skincare expert, I think it's impressive that this serum contains over 90% organic, raw centella asiatica water. Centella asiatica really is one of those star ingredients often featured in premium Korean skincare products, and it offers lots of anti-bacterial, soothing, anti-flammatory and even wound-healing properties.<br />
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Does it work?</h3>
Honestly loves, I have been using this serum twice a day for about a month now <i>(you only need a few drops, so it will last you a long time)</i>, and it's become one of my all-time favourite, <i>holy grail </i>skincare products. First of all, it has the most refreshing, soothing effect when you first apply it. The texture is gel-like and almost watery, and it absorbs in seconds. I typically apply it in the morning and then in the evening, as the last step in my skincare routine.<br />
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Aside from the immediate soothing effect, this CHOBS serum is one of the very few skincare products that's made a visible difference to how my skin looks and feels. One of the main benefits of centella asiatica is that it's effective at clearing up any irritation and redness - and let me tell you loves, it <i>really</i> works. I experience lots of redness and even flakiness around my nose and cheeks, and since using this serum twice a day, the redness has almost completely cleared up. My skin feels hydrated, refreshed and it looks so much more bright and radiant!<br />
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I've also noticed a visible reduction in breakouts around my chin - as someone with very oily and problematic skin, I experience lots of sneaky breakouts that seem impossible to tame. And whilst I am not saying that all of my skin issues have now been magically cured, I swear that this serum has actually helped me to reduce them, and get my skin under control. Any breakouts are much less visible, and my skin overall feels a lot smoother, radiant and clear.<br />
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Is it worth the money?</h3>
If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I don't typically like to splurge out on skincare. £46 for a bottle of serum is a lot, although I wholeheartedly believe that the effectiveness and quality of the ingredients makes it worth every penny. I like to keep my skincare routine very minimal, so instead of spending money on lots of goodies that might be cheaper, I've been trying to invest in only a few products that <i>actually </i>work, and limit my routine to just a few simple steps. So far, it's been working out quite well!<br />
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If you have a chance to, I wholeheartedly recommend that you check out the CHOBS Centella Asiatica serum - especially if you suffer from redness, irritation, breakouts and sensitive skin. I, for one, genuinely cannot imagine my skincare routine without it, and I will be happy to invest in it again - an honest, and happy <b>10/10</b> from me!<br />
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<i>Have you tried any CHOBS products? What are your current skincare favourites?</i><br />
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Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-23465036885938317112018-10-12T13:15:00.000+01:002018-10-12T19:12:33.036+01:00How to edit your blog photos in less than 10 minutes! (with Photoshop)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello, my loves! Today, I want to share with you a few tips on how to easily and quickly edit your blog photos in Photoshop <i>(or any other editing software of your choice)</i>. As we all know, photos are a huge part of blogging. You could write the best, most engaging posts; but it's the photos that will catch your audience's attention and make them want to click on the post. Having said that, it can be difficult to create attractive, eye-catching photos when you don't have the right equipment. Not everyone can afford a professional, DSLR camera - and that's perfectly okay! I for one, still use the humble little camera on my iPhone. Luckily, there are things you can do to make your photos appear more professional with very little effort. And whilst I am by no means an expert on this, I thought I'd share with you some of my go-to photo-editing tricks. I hope you find them useful!<br />
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My personal favourite photo-editing software is the <b>Adobe Photoshop CC</b>. This program offers a huge amount of options, and is surprisingly easy to use. The subscription fee is £8.99 a month, but you can sign up for a <a href="https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwiz7tLC4YDeAhXNu-0KHX0xD3UYABAAGgJkZw&ohost=www.google.co.uk&cid=CAESEeD2H73Kcz4ZUFymZGDRkoFk&sig=AOD64_3DPEpUZ2UlEJN_CkijIjAS_lnN4Q&q=&ved=2ahUKEwjbmMzC4YDeAhUJIsAKHaW5ALMQ0Qx6BAgDEAI&adurl=">free 30-day trial</a> <i>(<u>not</u> sponsored!)</i>. I wholeheartedly believe that this is a worthy investment if you're serious about blogging, although I know that a lot of fellow bloggers enjoy using Lightroom, or various free photo-editing apps.<br />
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Sharpen them up!</h3>
Most photo editing tools will come with some kind of <b>sharpening filter</b>, and I'd recommend it to be the first step in your editing routine. I absolutely love the <i>Smart Sharpen</i> filter in Photoshop CC <i>(found under Filters > Sharpen)</i>, as it's super easy to use, and gives you effective, but also natural-looking results. This filter allows you to adjust the sharpness of the whole image, or just the selected highlights and shadows. Personally, I like to adjust the <i>'Amount'</i> to be somewhere around 30-40%, depending on how blurry the photo is. You might need a stronger sharpen treatment with close-up photos, so just keep playing around with the settings until you're happy with the result!<br />
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Increase the brightness!</h3>
For me personally, the biggest challenge in taking quality blog photos is getting enough light. If you don't have a professional light kit <i>(although I find that even those can quite difficult to work with)</i>, you pretty much have to rely on the weather to provide you with enough sunlight. This can be tricky, especially during colder months when the days are short, and it gets dark way too early!<br />
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If you have Photoshop <i>(although I think that this is available in Lightroom, too)</i>, I'd recommend starting off with the <b>Exposure tool </b>found under <i>Image > Adjustments</i>. Set the exposure level to be anywhere between +0.25 to +1.00 - the darker your photos are, the more exposure you'll want. This will 'saturate' your photos with light in a very natural-looking way. If you don't have Photoshop, the <b>ProCamera app</b> is a great alternative <i>(not sponsored)</i> - you can adjust the exposure level as you are taking the photo on your phone, eliminating the need for editing the image afterwards. The ProCamera also allows you to shoot in a RAW format, which produces much better quality images than any default, built-in phone camera apps.<br />
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Colour play!</h3>
I often find that any photos that I take on my iPhone end up saturated with an odd, yellowish tint. This is apparently a common issue with all iPhones, but also one that's easily resolved thanks to the <b>Photo Filter tool </b>found under<i> Image > Adjustments</i>. If your photo has a slightly yellow tint, select the <i>'Cooling Filter (80)' </i>and set the density to around 10-15 <i>(or more, if necessary)</i>. Similarly, if your image looks a little too 'blue', you can use the <i>'Warming Filter (85)'</i> in the same way. Alternatively, you can use the <b>Colour Balance tool</b> found under the same menu, although I find the preset filters to be much easier to use <i>(this colour correcting function is also available in Lightroom)</i>.<br />
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Disperse the shadows!</h3>
I find that more often than not, increasing the brightness on its own just isn't enough, and the photo is left with some really obvious shadows. The quickest way to get rid of these is to use the handy <b>Shadows/Highlights tool </b>in Photoshop CC <i>(found under Image > Adjustments).</i> Simply adjust the <i>Amount </i>under<i> Shadows</i> - I typically go with the default value of 35%, and reapply the filter, if needed. This is honestly one of the most useful tools in Photoshop, and one that I don't believe is available in Lightroom <i>(correct me if I'm wrong, though!)</i>.<br />
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Alternatively, you can use the <b>Dodge tool </b><i>(found in the left-hand side menu)</i> to lighten specific areas of your image. Simply select the brush size and exposure level after selecting, and drag it over the part of the image that you want to lighten. This particular function is available in Lightroom, and there are many free photo-editing apps <i>(such as Photowonder)</i> that offer it, as well.<br />
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<b><i>Important note:</i></b> I strongly recommend avoiding any photo filters if you are working on makeup swatch photos. The last thing you want is for your swatches to look fake and over-edited - keeping them true to how they look in reality is very important! Whenever I retouch swatch photos, the most I do is slightly boost up the exposure level, and use the sharpen filter - no colour correcting, though!<br />
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<i>I hope that you found these tips a little useful! Remember, you can get a free Adobe Photoshop trial for 30 days, so even if you don't want to commit to a monthly subscription, it might be fun just to try it out. Let me know if you enjoyed this post, and would like to see more advanced photo-editing tips! And of course, don't forget to enter my Urban Decay giveaway <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2018/10/3-years-blogiversary-giveaway-win-urban.html">here</a>, loves!</i><br />
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<script>(function(d, s, id) {var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0];if (d.getElementById(id)) return;js = d.createElement(s);js.id = id;js.src = 'https://widget.bloglovin.com/assets/widget/loader.js';fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs);}(document, 'script', 'bloglovin-sdk'))</script>Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-41219425779859008012018-10-07T12:34:00.003+01:002018-11-28T12:35:56.723+00:003 years blogiversary + giveaway! Win an Urban Decay palette of your choice (open worldwide)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello, my loves! Today is a very special day, as we are celebrating Shoes and Glitter's <b><i>3 year blogiversary</i></b>! I truly cannot believe how quickly the time flies... When I published my first post a little over three years ago, I honestly didn't expect myself to stick to it for more than a couple of months. I would look at all the fellow bloggers who have such successful, beautiful blogs <i>(I still do) </i>and think <i>'Wow, I could never achieve even half of this!'</i>. Three years later, and I am loving blogging more than ever. It's not always easy, and it can be challenging at times, but it's something that I look forward to every single day. Shoes and Glitter now has over 1,800 friends on Bloglovin', and over 4000 Twitter buddies! And whilst blogging isn't all about the numbers, I am so beyond grateful for each and every single one of you who visits this little corner to read my random beauty ramblings. Today, as a little thank you for all the love and support throughout the years, I have a little <b><i>Urban Decay giveaway</i></b> for you, lovelies!<br />
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<h3>
GIVEAWAY!</h3>
As a celebration of Shoes and Glitter's three year blogiversary, I am giving away <b>two iconic Urban Decay Naked palettes of your choice</b><i> (one per winner, two winners total!)</i>. You will be able to choose from one of the following eyeshadow palettes:<br />
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<i>Urban Decay Naked 2 palette</i><br />
<i>Urban Decay Naked 3 palette</i><br />
<i>Urban Decay Naked Heat palette</i><br />
<i>Urban Decay Naked Smoky palette</i><br />
<i>Urban Decay Naked Cherry palette <u>(the new one!)</u></i><br />
<h3>
A FEW RULES... </h3>
♥ This giveaway will run from <b>Sunday 7th October to Monday 31st December</b>. The winners will be announced the following day in this post, as well as on my <a href="https://twitter.com/kay_0981">Twitter page</a>.<br />
♥ You must be at least eighteen years old, or have your parents' permission to enter.<br />
♥ I will be contacting the winners directly after announcing the results (via email and Twitter, if available). The winners must respond within 48 hours, or they will lose the prize, and new winners will be selected.<br />
♥ Any <i>'follow to unfollow' </i>entries will be automatically disqualified.<br />
♥ This giveaway is <b>open worldwide</b>. However, please note that depending on your country, you may incur customs charges. That payment would be at your discretion, and failure to do so could result in you losing the prize.<br />
<h3>
HOW TO ENTER?</h3>
You can enter the giveaway using the Rafflecopter widget below. All you need to do is <b><a href="https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/shoes-glitter-lifestyle-beauty-blog-14431009">follow me on bloglovin'</a>,</b> and<b> leave a comment in this post</b> letting me know which one of the Naked palettes you'd like to win.<br />
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For additional chances to win, you can also follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/kay_0981">Twitter</a>, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/shoesandglitter/">Facebook</a> and <a href="https://www.instagram.com/shoesandglitter/?hl=en">Instagram</a>. This is completely optional, but it will give you additional entries and more chances to win!<br />
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Good luck, my loves!</i><br />
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Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-6286074146290648852018-10-02T19:16:00.001+01:002018-10-03T13:49:56.869+01:00NYX Can't Stop Won't Stop foundation: honest review + swatches!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello, my loves! Today, I am very excited to review one of the most talked about recent makeup launches - the <i><b>Can't Stop Won't Stop</b></i> foundation by<b> NYX</b> <i>(£15, Boots)</i>. I've always been cautious about trying out new foundations <i>(they can be so hit and miss!)</i>, although I've also been on the lookout for a cheaper alternative to my favourite <i>Power Fabric</i> by Armani. The <i>Can't Stop Won't Stop</i> foundation definitely sounded promising and perfect for my oily skin, so I decided to invest in a bottle. Will it live up to the high expectations? Is it worth the hype? Let's find out together!<br />
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The <i>Can't Stop Won't Stop</i> foundation comes in 45 different shades - my shade is <b>6.5 Nude</b>, which is great for light skintones with neutral undertones. The <i>Can't Stop Won't Stop</i> foundation promises <i>'a lightweight, waterproof formula offering full, smooth, matte coverage for up to 24 hours'</i>. For £15, you get a 30ml bottle, which is a pretty standard size - but also, very reasonably priced!<br />
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This foundation is definitely <i>very</i> full coverage. A couple of pumps are enough to cover the whole face, although it's easily buildable <i>(best used with a beauty sponge)</i> if you want to apply more. I was pleased with how easily it covered up any redness and imperfections, especially on my cheeks. Having said that, the formula definitely does go on a little cakey. Before I applied concealer and set the whole thing with powder and setting spray, it felt and looked a little like a heavy mask. The finish is very smooth, although I put it down partially to my skin being so incredibly oily. I do have some slightly dry patches underneath my eyes, and this foundation has definitely accentuated them - I can only imagine that on dry skin, this would be even more prominent.<br />
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<i>From left to right - a) no makeup b) Can't Stop Won't stop foundation <u>only</u> c) full makeup - foundation with concealer, set with powder and spray</i><br />
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The matte finish, although very smooth at first, doesn't quite last throughout the entire day. After about six hours, I began to see some shiny patches around my T-zone - which is still pretty good <i>(especially considering how oily my face gets),</i> but doesn't quite live up to the claims. The longevity otherwise is fairly impressive - the foundation stays in place all day, and I've only noticed it slightly rubbing off my nose after about 11 hours.<br />
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I would say that the <i>Can't Stop Won't Stop</i> foundation feels a little similar to Estee Lauder's <i>Double Wear</i>, although it's not as heavy duty and not quite as long-lasting. Having said that, it still performs much better than most other matte foundations I've tried in a similar price range. The <b>coverage is amazing,</b> and it does give you a <b>smooth, matte finish</b> <i>(although be careful if you have dry skin, as it might accentuate it!)</i>. It doesn't feel overly tiring or cloying on the skin; and whilst it can appear<b> a little cakey</b> on its own, it blends well with other makeup, and I like how it looks once properly set!<br />
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<i>Would I repurchase it? </i>I'm not sure. I've been enjoying using this foundation on a daily basis, but I'm not certain whether I'd want to buy it again, as it doesn't perform quite as well as my usual favourites. Having said that, I think that it's pretty great for the price <i>(plus, it will last you a long time!)</i>, so I'd recommend checking it out if you want something matte and full coverage, but also affordable!<br />
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<i>Have you tried the NYX Can't Stop Won't Stop foundation? What is your favourite foundation right now? </i><br />
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Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-88028555801114605062018-09-27T10:27:00.000+01:002018-09-27T10:28:19.587+01:00NYX 'Honey Dew Me Up' Primer Review<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello, my jelly beans! Today, I am so happy to be bringing you a review of the <b>NYX <i>Honey Dew Me Up</i></b> primer <i>(£15, Boots)</i>. I don't typically review primers on my blog, but this one has been getting quite a lot of attention in the blogosphere lately, so I thought I'd share with you my honest thoughts on it. I was on the lookout for a new primer for a while, and <i>Honey Dew Me Up</i> caught my attention right away - the gold-speckled formula looks very unusual and interesting! However, is it actually a reliable primer? Let's find out together!<br />
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NYX 'HONEY DEW ME UP' PRIMER</h3>
The NYX <i>Honey Dew Me Up</i> primer comes in a 22ml bottle and retails at £15, which is a little more expensive than other drugstore options; but still fairly affordable. The primer comes with a little spatula for application, which is useful, although I can imagine it will be difficult to use when there isn't a lot of product left. The primer formula is golden in colour, with lots of light-reflective flakes; enriched with honey and collagen. Here is what NYX have to say about this primer:<br />
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<i>Perfect as a primer, the formula also neutralises the appearance of discolouration and redness. Thanks to collagen, tiny suspended gold flakes and honey extract, the sublimely textured primer imparts much-needed moisture and helps to firm skin, fighting unwanted signs of ageing.</i><br />
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I genuinely like the consistency of this primer. It's smooth, absorbs really well, and it honestly feels more like a beauty oil than a traditional primer. The formula is very, <i>very</i> hydrating. I was a little worried at first as my skin is super oily, so I thought it might end up looking greasy; but it absorbed very well <i>(don't forget, oily skin does not mean hydrated skin!). </i>After application, it left my skin feeling smooth, refreshed and thoroughly moisturised.<br />
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The <i>Honey Dew Me Up</i> primer does a great job of creating a smooth canvas for your foundation. It does keep makeup in place, although I've noticed that foundation still ends up slipping off my nose near the end of the day <i>(an issue I get with most primers, and probably linked to how oily my skin is)</i>. The gold speckles don't show up at all when applied, and I haven't noticed any 'glowing' effect, or reduction in redness. It is still a good, effective primer, and it's also ended up being a pretty impressive skincare treatment.<br />
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I honestly love how thoroughly hydrating this primer is, and I'd recommend it for both dry and oily skin types - although I imagine that anyone with dry skin will especially enjoy this! I have even been using this on my lips, because of how nourished and smooth it makes them feel. Overall, I'd give <i>Honey Dew Me Up</i> an honest <b>7/10</b>. Whilst it doesn't live up to all of its claims of <i>'glowing, discolouration-free skin'</i>, it's still a reliable primer that makes your skin feel amazing when applied.<br />
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<i>Do you use face primer? What is your favourite right now? </i><br />
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Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-47703604313827008432018-09-22T13:09:00.000+01:002018-09-22T21:42:18.401+01:00The Best Perfumes For Autumn! 2018 Recommendations<div>
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Hello, my jelly beans! It's been such a long time since I did a seasonal perfume recommendations post for you. I actually took a pretty long break from talking about fragrances in general, and haven't bought a single new bottle this year! I've been trying to appreciate what I already have instead, so I've been looking forward to sharing these carefully selected picks with you, loves. Autumn is probably my favourite season<i> (who doesn't love the cool, crispy, pumpkin-spiced goodness!)</i>, and it's also the perfect time to wear perfumes that are a little more bold, sweet and intense. My favourite autumn fragrance notes include earthy patchouli, balsamic amber and sweet caramel; all of which will feature in today's list. Hope you enjoy!<br />
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<b>DKNY</b><i><b> Delicious Night </b>(£20 for 30ml, allbeauty.com)</i><br />
This is my favourite fragrance out of the entire DKNY range - and also, one of the most unusual scents ever! <i>Delicious Night</i> is dark, mysterious, almost 'cold', but still distinctively feminine. The composition combines unusual notes of smoky incense, spicy ginger and juicy blackberries; with a balsamic background of amber and myrrh. It's such an intense, but beautiful composition that makes me think of autumn nights, witch potions and Halloween. It's along the same lines as the classic <i>Midnight Poison</i> by Dior, although much more wearable, versatile, and for less than half the price! </div>
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<b>Victoria's Secret </b><i><b>Heavenly </b>(£40 for 50ml, Victoria's Secret)</i><br />
I've talked about this perfume <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2016/10/victorias-secret-beauty-mini-haul-why-i.html">quite a lot</a> on the blog already, but I could not imagine my autumn recommendations without it! <i>Heavenly</i> is a complete departure from the typical Victoria's Secret fragrances - it's not fruity-sweet; but more powdery, soft and clean. Smelling this always makes me think of being wrapped up in a big, fluffy duvet, which is exactly how you want to feel during those cold, autumn nights! I'd wholeheartedly recommend it if you are not into the usual, mainstream fragrances - <i>Heavenly</i> is very different, utterly beautiful and instantly recognisable.<br />
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<b>Katy Perry </b><i><b>Purr </b>(£8.99 for 30ml, Scentsational Perfumes)</i><br />
This is, hands down, my favourite celebrity pick for autumn! I am by no means a Katy Perry fan, but I do think that she makes the most wonderful fragrances. <i>Purr</i> is girly, but not juvenile; sweet, but not overwhelmingly sugary. It smells fruity from the peach, milky from the coconut, softened with sweet jasmine, and strengthened with dark sandalwood. There is also a unique bamboo note that's quite exotic, and very prominent throughout the composition. It's just such an easy to wear and enjoy perfume - it doesn't take itself too seriously; it's sweet, cosy, comforting and incredibly likeable.<br />
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<b>Diesel </b><i><b>Loverdose </b>(£25 for 30ml, Landy's Chemist)</i><br />
Definitely one of my top, and also more affordable choices for autumn. <i>Loverdose</i> is sweet, comforting, but there is also something uplifting about it - great for getting you through those cold, gloomy autumn days. The scent is based around sweet, creamy notes of vanilla and liquorice, with a hint of amber and citruses. It's an unusual combo, but it works surprisingly well! It's a very girly, delicious, good-enough-to-eat kind of fragrance that's definitely more on the playful and flirty side. The bottle is stunning, too - designed to resemble a heart-shaped diamond pierced by an arrow, coloured in lovely shades of purple.<br />
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<b>Cartier</b><i><b> La Panthere </b>(£40 for 50ml, allbeauty.com)</i><br />
This fragrance is actually a modern interpretation of the original <i>Panthere</i> fragrance released in 1986. It smells bold, sophisticated and feminine, with a hint of something very 'vintage'. The scent combines notes of dried fruits, powdery gardenia and fresh oakmoss - perfect for those crispy autumn evenings!<i> La Panthere </i>is mature and elegant, with a very 'classic' feel to it. Perfect especially for special occasions - it will make you smell like a million dollars. The quality of this fragrance is top-notch - it smells expensive and luxurious, truly upholding the elegant image of the Cartier label.<br />
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<b>Givechy </b><i><b>Very Irresistible L'Intense </b>(£40 for 50ml, Boots)</i><br />
This perfume truly smells like autumn in a bottle! I've been completely obsessed with it ever since I first discovered it. <i>Very Irresistible L'Intense</i> is incredibly sexy, dark, mysterious and edgy. It smells like ripe, juicy plums on the bed of delicate roses; with a sharp, earthy patchouli undertone. It's an interesting composition of seemingly contrasting accords, but they come together beautifully to create a truly unique fragrance. If you have ever tried the popular<i> Euphoria</i> by Calvin Klein - this perfume is a little similar, but lighter, more fruity, and in general more wearable. </div>
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<b>Guerlain </b><i><b>Shalimar Parfum Initial</b> (£50 for 75ml, Scentsational Perfumes) </i><br />
This is a fresh, youthful interpretation of the original <i>Shalimar </i>fragrance from 1925, which is one of the most important perfume classics in history. This version smells like iris flowers, caramel and expensive lipstick! It's powdery, elegant, exotic and a little unusual. I definitely find it a lot more wearable than the original <i>Shalimar </i>fragrance; plus the floral crispiness makes it perfect for those cool, autumn months. A lovely pick if you are after something very classy and sophisticated, but I'd definitely recommend testing it before you buy, as it's quite bold and likely not for everyone.</div>
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<i>What are your favourite perfumes to wear in autumn? Do you change up your fragrances depending on the season? </i><br />
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Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2735263226991644970.post-68595180619375359892018-09-16T10:30:00.000+01:002018-10-19T09:18:24.683+01:00Beauty discoveries with the KindLook box - September unboxing!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello, my loves! Today, I have a very special unboxing for you. I've teamed up with the lovely folks over at <b><a href="https://www.kindlook.co.uk/">KindLook</a></b>, to bring you a full review of their September edition <b>cruelty-free beauty box</b>. KindLook is fairly new to the subscription box market, but they've already made an impact with fantastic value for money <i>(spoiler alert - this box contains over <b>£90 </b>worth of products)</i>, and quality goodies <i>(from brands like Illamasqua, Kat Von D, Spectrum and Urban Decay)</i>. It's honestly not easy to get me excited about subscription boxes anymore, but looking at the past KindLook boxes definitely got me very hopeful for the September edition. Could this be the best cruelty-free beauty box yet? Or will it disappoint, like <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/search/label/subscription%20box">so many others</a>? <b>Let's unbox it together! </b><br />
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About the box...</h3>
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The KindLook box is a fully cruelty-free, vegan beauty box that's based in the UK, but available for international shipping. The cost of each box is<b> £23.99</b>, although I can see that they're currently running a discount offer which means that you can get it for <b>£19.99</b>. The KindLook box includes <b>5+</b> products <i>(usually 2 full-sized)</i>, with an overall<b> value of £60-£100</b>. The selection includes a balanced mix of well-known and more independent brands; offering skincare, makeup, hair and body care products.<br />
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What's included?</h3>
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<b>Pure <i>Papaya Lips Lip Balm</i></b><i> (RRP £5.99)</i><br />
I'm obsessed with lip balms <i>(especially as we are now approaching the colder months)</i>, so was really happy to add this to my collection. It's a nice little lip balm; quite thick but not sticky, it absorbs quickly and smells absolutely amazing. Enriched with fermented papaya, shea butter and macadamia oils; it does genuinely leave your lips feeling smooth and moisturised. I can see myself purchasing this in the future as it is effective, but also very affordable. I especially enjoy using it after scrubbing the lips with my favourite <a href="https://www.shoesandglitter.com/2018/08/jeffree-star-velour-lip-scrub-in-pink.html">Jefree Star <i>Velour</i> lip scrub</a> for an extra pampering treatment!<br />
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<b>Chobs<i> Centella Asiatica Serum</i></b> <i>(RRP £46)</i><br />
The main star of the September edition! I had to double-check the price value online, as I couldn't believe it was really £46 <i>(but <a href="https://www.lovelula.com/products/chobs-centella-asiatica-serum-30ml">it is</a>)</i>! I usually stick to affordable skincare products, so it was exciting to try something more high-end from this green, certified organic Korean beauty brand. This serum is a fully organic, herbal ointment containing Centella Asiatica leaves, which supposedly work wonders for redness, sensitive and acne-prone skin <i>(essentially my skin type!). </i>I have been using this serum on most days for the past two weeks, and I honestly<i> love</i> it. It's gentle, hydrating, absorbs in seconds and has a very soothing effect on the skin. I am far from a skincare expert, but I know what works for me - and this serum has definitely made a visible difference, especially in terms of clearing up the redness around my nose. If you'd like to see a more in-depth review, please let me know. Long story short, though, this serum is an absolute winner!<br />
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<b>Thesis <i>Mermaid's Cheek Seaweed Mask</i></b><i> (RRP £26.99)</i><br />
I was so happy to see a face mask included in the box! With a very cute name, as well. This organic face mask has an interesting powder consistency that you need to mix in with water prior to applying. Particularly suitable for oily and acne-prone skin <i>(which just happens to be my exact skin type!)</i>, this mask is supposed to clear, soothe and invigorate. I've only used it a couple of times so far, but I am pleased with the results - it definitely makes any breakouts, acne and general redness a little less visible; but without drying out the skin. My only complaint is the smell! The fragrance is pungent to say the least<i>,</i> and will take some getting used to. Definitely worth it for an effective product, though!<br />
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<b>Zao <i>Nail Polish</i></b> in <i><b>Plum</b></i> <i>(RRP £11.50)</i><br />
I will be completely honest with you, loves - I am typically against subscription boxes including products like nail polishes, lipsticks, or foundation samples - anything that comes in a variety of shades. I think that there is simply too much of a risk getting stuck with a shade that you don't like. When it comes to nail polish, I'm all about reds and nudes, so this is actually the first dark, deep purple nail polish in my collection. I don't hate it, although I am not certain how much use I'm going to get out of it. I think that it could be a nice colour for autumn, plus the formula is promising - enriched with silica from bamboo oil, it promises long-lasting quality without any toxic ingredients.<br />
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<b>Flawless <i>The Blending Brush </i></b><i>(RRP £6.99)</i><br />
This is a pretty handy little brush! Very soft, practical and easy to work with, it's suitable for blending out both concealer and eyeshadow. Personally, I can't imagine using anything but my beauty blender for concealer, but it's a good brush for blending out any eyeshadow, so I'm very happy to add it to my collection!<br />
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<h3>
The verdict</h3>
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This is, hands down, the best cruelty-free beauty box that I've ever had the pleasure to try. First of all, you get amazing value for money - over <b>£95 worth of products for £20</b>, is the best subscription box value I've seen in a long time. However, it's not just about the prices - the products included are actually good! It's a very well thought-out selection, full of practical and interesting items. I find that with <i>a lot</i> of beauty boxes, it feels like you sometimes end up getting the very back-end of catalogue products that would just never sell - for a reason. With the KindLook box, you can tell that the team have done their research, and actually care about what products they choose to include. Like I said earlier, it's still a very new subscription box, but I hope that they stick around and keep on putting together amazing boxes. If you are interested in cruelty-free beauty, I wholeheartedly recommend that you check out the KindLook box. It's one of the <i>very</i> few subscription boxes that I would happily spend my money on every month.<br />
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<i>Have you ever tried the KindLook box? What are your favourite subscription boxes?</i><br />
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Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05978855308839505830noreply@blogger.com1